I'm starting to fall apart again.  I always think I'm okay but it's always proven wrong.  I can't take all these ups and downs.  I need a break from everything.  I need a break from life.  I keep thinking about the hospital...maybe that is really what I need but I really don't want to do that.  Besides...everything that I do in hospital I've been doing on my own anyway.  I'm never able to stay more then 3 days and something tells me that just isn't going to help this time.  In the past few weeks I have sometimes a day or two where I think I am doing well before crashing harder then before.  So I think that's probably what will happen...if I go in...I'll end up having my couple of good days and then get home and crash worse then before.  I'm so scared of that happening.  I have an appointment with my rheumatologist in morning...and with family doctor in afternoon.  Maybe they'll knock some sense into me.  I dunno.  I'm in the worst shape I have been in over a year and I don't like it.I tried sleeping for the night earlier...it didn't work...I was awake again before 11pm.  Between my body's messed up sleep schedule....and the friggen noisy neighbors it didn't work.  It's now 1am and I'm wide awake and a complete mess.