Have I ever mentioned I hate having the diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder?  I'd rather be completely unaware of this disorder, at least in relation to me having it.  I'm realizing I'm probably at the worst I've been in over a year.  I know this and still can't manage to bring myself to do the things I know I need to do to feel better.  Instead I seem to be doing everything that I shouldn't be.  I'm pushing people away.  I'm hurting those closest to me.  I'm cutting.  I'm missing appointments.  I'm not taking my meds.  I drink.  I'm eating  very little and at times eating way too much.  The only thing I haven't done is threaten (or attempt) suicide...which is something I think of often lately....but have no plan.I'll admit I'm caught up in my own distorted messed up way of thinking and it sucks...yet it is comforting because it is what I know.  Sure I do better for a day or two...have some good times here and there....but then the next thing I know I'm feeling ten times worse then I did before the good time.  It's like for every moment of "good" I end up with 10 moments of "bad".  It's like some sort of cruel pay off.  I'd rather not have any good moments if things are going to keep going downhill.  I feel like it's my destiny to be this way and that there isn't a lot of point in trying to get better....but again I know it's just the way I'm thinking.  I just hate that I can't seem to make myself do what I know I need to.  It's like I'm missing something...like I'm watching someone else...I know what they need to do....but I can't make them do it...only they can do it....except I'm me and I still can't seem to do it because I can't seem to connect with me. That probably makes no sense but that's how I feel.