Right now I'm exhausted so I'm soon gonna head to bed.  My moods are sooooo messed lately.  I don't know what to expect of them, they change so frequently.  I still have lots of urges to cut/od and different things but I've been holding off.  My friend had her baby so I am hoping to see them tomorrow and maybe that will help.  I always love seeing babies.  My mom is really bothering me these days.  I feel like I'll never be good enough for her.  I told her how it hurts me when she always critisizes me and how I feel like that has contributed to my low self-esteem.  I told her I know she did the best she could and that she didn't mean it to hurt me and that I know she just wants what's best for me but that it still hurts.  I told her it feels like sometimes it's abuseful.  Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest with her, she took it so hard.  She left after that and later called and asked me to forgive her.  I told her I never held any of it against her and was just experessing how I feel.  It made me mad though that she asked for forgiveness.  I don't know why it angered me so much but it did and I wasn't able to bring myself to say that "I forgive you".  Even though I don't hold it against her because I know she did the best she knew how.  So basically now I feel guilty for ever saying anything in the first place.   The other day her and my aunt were over and I gave them each a glass of something to drink.  This is when my energy was so low that even crawling out of bed and breathing were near impossible tasks for me let alone to sit up and socialize with them.  I didn't feel like company in the first place.  They were just going to leave their dirty dishes in the sink which if I lived by myself wouldn't be a problem.  But I didn't want my roommate coming home to dirty dishes in the sink.  So I asked if they'd mind cleaning them before they left as I just didn't have the energy to do it.  It was only a couple things so I didn't think it would be a big deal.  Apparently it was...they turned it into a big arguement.  Now a few days later they are still talking about how they didn't appreciate me not washing their dishes.  I had to reply and say you don't understand how hard it is for me some days just to get out of bed.  You don't get what its like to have that lack of energy.  It isn't being lazy...I just physically couldn't do it.   I said you don't get what it's like when breathing is an almost impossible task because of having no energy.  A whole other arguement.  It's so hard to deal with them sometimes.Okay this journal entry is actually upsetting me so I'm gonna stop writting now.  I started it off in an okay mood and now I feel like cutting.  Forget it...what's the point in trying.