i've been laying here awake doing a lot of thinking and crying.  I think i know why my moods have been so depressed lately and I really don't want to admit the reasons why.   A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I broke up.  I knew it was coming, it wasn't a big surprise, in fact I started the conversation.  It was a mutual decision...but I think it has hit me a lot harder then I thought it would.  I don't like to admit that a guy has had that much of an influence on how I feel.   But looking at it now I see that I have a lot of angry feelings relating to this.  I am mad at him and mad at myself.  I keep telling myself that because I started feeling bad before we broke up that the breakup isn't what is causing it...but I think I was feeling bad because I knew the breakup was coming.But ever since then I've been making bad choices and letting myself fall apart.  I don't know how to get myself back.  We weren't even together for very long so why does it have to affect me so much.  I still don't really even want to admit that this is why I feel bad or that it is at the very least a contributing factor but I know I have to.  I don't know, I can't make myself stop crying.  I'm trying to turn my moods around but I can't seem to do it.  I really do want to feel better. I feel so bad that I am dragging so many people down.  I'm tired of putting on a happy face and pretending things are okay but I have to because I am tired of always being the downer.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere.  I'm some sort of outcast and I don't belong here.