I'm really having a hard time of things today.  I'm fucking pissed...sorry for the language but right now I really feel the need to use it.  I'm sooo sick of myself and this fight.  I hate life, I hate feeling like this.  I want off this fucking roller coaster ride.  I WANT OFF!  Don't get me wrong...I have no plans to end things.  That's never worked well for me in the past.  Obviously since I'm here writting this.  I've had professionals tell me more then once that I should be dead from what I've done.  Well guess what, I'm not!   I just got off the phone with my phsyciatrist because my family dr made me promise that I'd call her.  I see my family dr again tomorrow and I hate breaking promises so I didn't.  It really threw me off though because my psychiatrist actually picked up the phone.  Usually I just get the voice mail and that's what I was counting on.  Now I just feel stupid for calling because I didn't really have anything to say.  I just told her I haven't been doing well.  She asked what she could do and I said nothing that I know of.  I don't feel like moving my appointment up...I see her next week anyway.  I definitly don't want anything to do with medication anymore.  I think it's toxic crap and it'll do more harm long term.  She asked if I needed to go to the hospital.  I said no, not at this point.  So really there was nothing for me to ask her to do.  Nothing really to do at this point except time.  It's really weird this time around.  Usually I have a lot of problems with self harm and when I feel like this all I want to do is cut, burn, od, and get extremely suicidal.  Right now I don't want any of that.  I just want this hell to end so I can go on living my life.  I have passing thoughts of hurting myself but not much in the way of impulses to act on them.  It's very different for me to be like this.  The depression is not...but everything that goes along with it for me is different.