Today I am forcing myself to write. I'd rather go back to bed where Ive been for too long. I want my son to come home. I can't think at work, I can't seem to do anything but glare at my computer and farm. At least I can do that. I have emotional outbursts at work. I found out it's not a good thing to call your boss a fucking dick licker to hus face. (he's not, as far as I know) I don't know what has come over me. I now take my ativan before every shift. I cry every day for Jeff. Am I really so selfish that I would choose to keep my son from the glory of heaven and have him with me? This is wrong. I havve too mmuch guilt. I need it to stop.
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Colleen, It\'s OK to be a little selfish. We wouldn\'t be human if we weren\'t. It would be much easier to stay in bed with the covers pulled, but today you didn\'t. You forced yourself to write and this journey requires forcing ourselves each day to make the conscious decision to find joy in living again. Some days it\'s much too hard to make that decision because we become overwhelmed by our pain. Other days, it comes a bit easier and we do better by replacing our feelings of sadness, anger and guilt with more desireable feelings. We still have the physical ability to enjoy life and no physical trial can remove these capabilities from us. As in most things worth having, it requires work for a successful outcome. I know these words are much easier than actions but I know it\'s in you. You have a loving hubby and other boys you adore. Stay strong and when you\'re able, be positive. Jeff wants you happy. Love to you friend. Robin
I understand thinking of Jeff all the time...I think Alex is in my head most of the time as well. I think it is impossible for us moms to ever completely let go of it all...but I think that each day we must try to look for positive things. I try to stare at Jared and Hillary\'s faces and enjoy them...love them...and somehow it helps me. I see that there are still good things in my life...keep looking for good things...Karen
It is ok to think of Jeff all the time - I still do with Billy. But you do have to get your frustration & all your anger out - it does no good keeping it in. Try to find a way to get it out - go & pull some weeds or flowers, throw a few dishes, hit your pillow, go outside & yell & scream, go for a walk - but please do something to get it out. My treadmill is my lifesafer & I must say I went through quite a few dishes the fisrst few months & I would do alot of yelling in the shower or my car as I was driving. Just a few suggestions...Hugs, Ann
Oh Coleen, I feel so badly for you. Please don\'t pile guilt on top of deep grieving. There is nothing in the Bible that says mourning is wrong. Think of Job, think of Christ\'s saying in the Sermon on the Mount, \"Blessed are they that grieve, for they shall be comforted.\"
My sister in law called me selfish. Asked if I thought I was the only mother to lose her child. I can\'t bring myself to have contact with her anymore. I spoke to my minister and she helped me with this, referring to the book of Job.
When this guilt comes up, say to yourself, \"Stop\". Do anything to make these thoughts stop.
It\'s enough to lose our children, we don\'t need to add guilt because of the sadness we feel.
Colleen, if there is one of us who doesn\'t think of her child all the time, I would like to know who she is and how she has accomplished this amazing feat! I think every one of us would love to know how to be at peace without them and how to let them go without feeling torn to pieces and riddled with guilt. You are not alone - though it helps only a little to know that.
Wonderful words from wise women written above - read them and write them on 3x5 cards as positive affirmations to be used again and again. xoxo
Thank you Barbara, I will.
Colleen, it\'s ok to be selfish when it comes to wanting your child back and I\'m sure God understands that. While we know that they are happy in the glory of heaven, it still hurts that they are not here with us. It\'s ok to vent your frustration, ok....maybe not on the boss.....but some other ways.... Sending you a big understanding hug !!!......love, Kim
Loving and healing thoughts are coming your way from me. Hugs, Belinda