Well, 19 months have come & gone. I miss my baby. I want to be with him so badly that the only thing keeping me from jumping off a cliff is the fact that he was not my only child. I love all of my boys. Why would God give me this beautiful gift, then take it away? Here Colleen, I have a present for you and just when you get to the funnest part I'm going to rip the present away from you. Why? Doesn't he know that is MEAN? We teach our children not to do that to people. I had a crazy day yesterday. I had to double up on the ativan. I kept feeling Jeff over my right shoulder and I was hearing him whispering in my ear...Why'dja let'um do the surgery, mom? Well, for one thing, Jeff didn't speak that way. If it was Jeffrey, He would have said it clearly. Why DID you allow them to operate?  I don't know who it was speaking to me but I know Jeff was there.I really feel like I'm losing it this time. I shouldn't be hearing voices but that creep was there for hours. I went to the doctor this morning and was too embarrassed to even tell him what was going on. Maybe next time if it keeps happening. Tomorrow I will be going to a seminar. How to be a champion. Hmmm. Maybe that will help.I love you all. Good night.Colleen