I am unpacking boxes today. Still nowhere near done. I came across this box that tore my heart right out of my chest. I know this for sure because my chest hurt so bad I was having trouble breathing. I'm inclined now to believe all of the chest pain issue is about stress. I have a coating and a taste in my mouth that causes me to think maybe I'm rotten. I'm home alone and the cats won't even come near me. Mom's gone off her rocker. So back to the box. No, not so fast. When Jeff passed my husband gave me a footlocker to put his stuff in that I wanted to keep forever. Of course it is overstuffed, goes without saying. One more piece of paper will not fit. Sometimes I run across something and put it in anyway. Today I ran across a box that I did not pack. Here is a list if what was in it. Jeff's address bookMedical records from when he had mono.Psyche eval from when he got dpressed. (girlfriend left him)(transplant issues)Funeral Home papersObituaryMore notes written while intubatedFuneral propagandaEvery piece of mail he has recieved since he passedOther personal papers taken from his room. His stuff. I wasn't ready for this. Someone has been keeping this box. I appreciate it. It almost killed me. If someone were going to keep this box without my knowing, knowing what happenns to me when I find stuff like this, why did they leave it where I had to find it? OK. I'm calming down now. I'm going to jump into the beautiful jacuzzi bathtub and melt. I'm not taking the ativan for this. I don't want to be a slave to a med.
Replies
Colleen, it\'s so hard to find something unexpectedly. I get that feeling when I get mail for my son. I can\'t believe it still comes but the same feeling. I thinks is a anxiety. Just close it back up until you\'re ready. There are many boxes I boxed up and they still haven\'t been opened. Maybe the will, maybe not. Enjoy the \"tubby\". Love ya Robin
So hard...it is so hard...I am sure thst much of what you feel is anxiety...stress. Put the box away...relax...feel better. Love to you...Karen
Colleen...yo describe exactly what I fight daily...anxiety. I take lorazapan...lowest dosage...can take x3 daily. I take it only in the morning or sometimes I take one when I know I will be facing extra things (like anniversary date)...in 2 years I rarely take more than one. I don\'t even feel it...but if I don\'t for a few days, I know it by the anxiety (heart pain, nervous energy, impending doom feeling)...I know you are concerned about meds...I was too. My doctor said that although this can be habit forming in larger dosages, it is less so than other medications. I see her next week, as we agreed to take it through the 2nd year mark and then see what is what...
Tub again!...(I hit the hot tub 2x today...just because!)
Ann
It is never been fun to go into the boxes of our children. I moved to a new home after Martin died and I feel like his whole life is in a box nothing but boxes. It is so sad and it has been 3 years and I still can\'t look at them.
So hard but beautiful that you have all these things. Hope the bath helped. Love and hugs Cathy
It breaks my heart when I find something of my sons that I just run across cleaning out old boxes,closets or the basement. But, I wouldn\'t trade it for anything in the world because this is all I have left of my beautiful son. You know that your child meant everything to you when you find something of theirs and your heart feels like it is going to explode and you can\'t breath because the pain is to great. That is how I judge the love for my child. And there is no greater love!!!
Colleen, I have a footlocker, too. It contains things Evan deemed to be \'junk\' and couldn\'t bother with - some broken guitar parts, a tuner, tools he borrowed from me, shirts he didn\'t wear, half-done song lyrics. That is all I have left other than my memories. Keep those bits and pieces of Jeff nearby and take them out only when YOU want to. In the meantime, jump in that tub and let the tension go. Jacuzzi, huh? Lucky duck... xoxo Barbara