Jeff has been gone for 1 1/2 years now. I live in your fog. I no longer have fun doing anything. Well, maybe eating. My husband wants me to join him in the mindless banter that we used to do. You know, just talk and tease and joke around. I just want him to shut up. I'm lost in my own little pretend world where my son is alive and if I must speak to someone outside of this private world then Jeff is dead again until they shut up and let me be.   Wow. does that sound crazy or what? I'm not the same person that I used to be. I don't even know that person anymore. I saw a picture of myself recently and didn't even recognize myself. The weight gain and aging that has happened in the past 1 1/2...Who knew it was even possible.   We go on though. We're not allowed to stop. I'm not a quitter anyway. I guess we just have to accept who we are now. That's the easy part. I can do that. The hard part is getting everyone else to accept that this awful thing happened to me and it altered me. This is who I am now. Take me as I am or move on because unless you can bring me my son back I'm not very likely to change for anyone. Not my husband, not my mom, not even my other sons. I am truly sorry if that offends anyone or even hurts some feelings. The sad fact of life is that sometimes we hurt the ones we love and maybe this is just one of those times.