Today is quote possibly the hardest day for me in a long time if not ever. Jeff now lives in an urn on top of my entertainment stand. This seems the most appropriate place for him. I found a beautiful vase to match his urn in a shop in Scottsdale, it looks very nice. The urn and vase are black w/ brass etching and they are so beautiful when the sunlight hits them.
I guess my husband must have been dusting all of this time because it dawned on me that I haven't touched the urn since I put Jeff into it. The place was getting pretty dusty so I went after it. When I picked up Jeff I lost my mind. The next thing I knew I was crying into the ashes acting like... hmmm, a mother who just lost her son. Had to sedate myself. I worry that I.m getting too dependent on the Ativan. What else can I really do?
I miss my baby. I want him back. I don't want a beautiful urn I want a beautiful boy.
Replies
I sometimes wish,I would have done that with Randi, but I couldn\'t do it, and besides I was not in my right mind at the time.If I would have done that, she would be with me all the time.I feel the same way you do right now.I\'m here for you.Wilma
i am so sorry you are having such a hard time today i don\'t have any children so I can\'t even imagine what it would be like to lose one. If you feel you may become too dependaent on Ativan you might want to consider joining a ive support group and or going for counciling. They would be able to help you find other ways of controling anxiety or depression. I found it very helpful after my dad died. I wouldn\'t give up my zoloft for anything but I would be nowhere without my theripist. I love this site and it has been more help to me than I can put into words, I don\'t know what i would do if I didn\'t have daily interaction with everybody here. Sometimes you need to talk with a person face to face that can help you sort through things. I hope i am not being too pushy, Just something to think about. love Donna
the hell with it..if you need ativan you need it..dont be hard on yourself..love marianne
We are going thru the hardest thing possible for a Mom. I know your pain. If you need to take sometihing to help won\'t worry. I have also started taking zoloft, I don\'t care if I take it. OMG I don\'t know what I might have done if I don\'t have some help from the meds. Even though it will not change the BS. HUGS love lucille
Take what you must to get thru. There are days that i reach for them and if it weren\'t for them i could not have functioned. I am praying for you collene and i will continue. I am here for you
Love Dawn
i am so sorry for your pain. i also had my son cremated, he has a beautiful brownswirled marble urn that i keep right in my room so that he is the last person i see before i go to bed and the first one i see when i wake up!! i also know how hard and how awful you feel everytime you look at the urn knowing how unfair it is to have you beautiful child in there. my only peace is that no matter where i go or what i do i can always bring my baby boy with me!!!!
wishing you happier days and wonderful dreams of your son!!
love and hugs to you my friend
i also have cody right here with me colleen..i wasnt ready for him to leave me and im glad he is here ....i kiss him every morning ,noon, night just all the time....im glad he is here...at home!!
and for the meds...if not for the meds.....hard to say what i would have done...they have keep me sane..most of time......if u need them.....take them..losing our children isnt something thats going to go away.....it will forever be a unmendable heartache..any nobody knows till they go through it***always here for ya*****diana
I am sorry for the pain. i have my sons urn in the living room on top of the hutch because that is the room i spend most of my time in. Some people don\'t understand me hanging onto the remains and having them in such an open area. the answer is I can do whatever I want. I am waiting for my son to somehow let me know where he wants to go. I didn\'t think he would like being burried in the ground.
I also want my baby back. I don\'t take any meds but I understand people needing to take them. Just keep doing what helps you get through the day.
I\'m sorry for your pain, but I agree take what you need to get thru. I think you have more guts than me I buried John I couldn\'t have him cremated as he was a firefighter and didn\'t want that. To have him on my mantle would driveme to the nut house, so keep on keeping on. You\'re doing as well as anyone can expect in your circumstances, and don\'t let anyone tell you anything to the contrary. Love and hugs cathy
I think we do whatever we need to do to get through this journey. Take whatever we need to take, drink whatever we need to drink. Talking, journaling, whatever helps us through the days. I understand your pain as we all do. That\'s why we all walk together. Lots of hugs, Jake\'s mom, Kathy