I went to see the urologist yesterday at the same hospital that Jeff went to for his heart care. I had a breakdown in the lobby. I swear I could feel him there. I'm lucky that my husvand was there with me to hold me together or I might have lost my stuffing. I couldn't even get on the elevator I was having a panic attack like never before. I was out of my precious ativan.   Doc decided it was time for a scope so I had to be catheterized in the middle of an anxiety attack. He kept telling me to relax like I had some kind of choice in the matter. He was so insistent that this be done that he had to force the catheter in and make me bleed, then he sends me homewith (3) three pills that turn your pee colors and help with the pain and spasms as they pass through. Now just what in the hell did he think I was going to do with three?   I called his nurse this morning and told her to get me some more pills. She said that Doc was in surgery today but that she could get me some tomorrow. I just explained to her that I was not in that much pain when I went in and that he hurt me and that they could either come up with some pills for this pain or they're fired. It took about 4 hours but they came up with them.   If there's one thing I learned from Jeff's expiriece in hospitals it is that you must be assertive in your own healthcare. Otherwise you are at their mercy and they might not have any.   So I still don't know what is wrong with me. I need more testing that will be done outpatient whenever they get around to it.    On the up note I'm in a very good mood today!!!