update

Guess it is more than time to update what has been going on these days.  Today was the first day of school for my daughters and the first day of kindergarten for my youngest.  She was very excited and a bit nervous.  My son was back in school a week ago.  It was another milestone and the hardest part of the day was to see all the supportive Dads that were there for their kids.  The subject never came up wtih any of them and I certainly hid my sadness from them.  It was not an overwhelming emotion but it is a normal one that I am used to.  A 'he should have been here' emotion.  Then my reality pulls me back knowing what it would have been like if he had been here and wasn't clean.  It would have been hard on the kids and me.  Trying to keep the focus on the positive though, the girls both had on pretty dresses that they picked out and new shoes and big smiles.  I was a proud Mom today as they are both smart and excited about being in school. My son is doing well in middle school and I am grateful for each day that his disabilities don't impact his day in a hard way.  He comes home with a smile and that is all that I need to see.  He told me the other day that even though we may argue I am the most important person in his life.  It made me so proud to be his Mom that he could do that.  You would have to understand his autistic features to realize how very hard that is for him to articulate. We made it through the year grief and we did the summer camp and it went well.  All three of them are moving forward and I guess in most ways I am too. I feel like a completely different person than what I was a year ago.  Not a bad thing but there are times when I have some grief for who I was.  Not much though.  I have learned and grown so much for the things that have been presented to me and at this point I can't say that I would change that. I appreciate that I can smile during the day and that life is not as hard as it once was.  I am grateful for being able to feed and clothe my children and keep a roof over their heads.  I am grateful for friends that keep me sane and the ability to have faith in my life to lead me forward. Yes, definitely alot of changes.  My next focus is to continue to learn and grow my educational advocacy practice.  I have become adept at it and I enjoy it as I call it my soul feeding work.  The teenage I helped last year has graduated and she has a shot at life and that felt so good.  The work feels purposeful and I like that. So for now the kids and I are doing well and we have our routine.  There is a new male friend that has been patient with me and we have spent some time together.  Not sure how I feel about that yet or if I am ready for it but it is a normal part of life that I guess was bound to show up sooner or later.  Just going slow and taking one day at a time.   I have been sober for almost 20 years and even though I used to say one day at a time I am not sure I quite understood it as well as I do now having lived through so many challenges.  It is harder to do than it sounds but it is worth the effort.