We came back from vacation late Friday night.  It was a good trip.  The kids were very excited and as I had hoped it was the pin that deflated the intensity that had been building in our home over the anniversary date. That date turned out to be just another day.  It came and it went.  The kids were very engaged in their club activities at the resort and barely noticed.  It became a day of fun and living life and not dwelling on the death of a loved one.  I had time to myself during the day which was good and bad.  I haven't slowed down in a year and I had no choice but to do that while on our trip.  It turned out to be good for me even if it was self imposed.  I had time to cry and remember and just be.  Something I had been trying to do for a long time and yet didn't know how to achieve it.  It also gave me time to work more on acceptance. We had a very good trip and were together as a family as our family is now and I am glad that I did it.  I didn't listen to those that told me I was running away.  I already knew that I was and I was okay with that.  I knew I was coming back and so to me it was more of a dance of avoidance.  I did take me and my baggage with me I just didn't allow it to own me, something else I have been working on. We came back to attend my brother's wedding which was very nice.  He and his partner had a beautiful ceremony and a great reception for a party.  It was  a night about love and commitment and it naturally made me reflect.  I have often felt that was the one area of my life that has always eluded me, being in love and feeling it as a mutual resepctful relationship. I know that we rushed into our relationship being newly sober but it produced three beautiful children and I don't regret any of them.  I guess on some level there will always be some regret for things lost and never actualized but again acceptance is the only way for me to live with it. We made it through a year and the anticipation was worse than the actualization of it.  It is one more experience that I have lived through.  I was able to take my kids on vacation even though it scared me.  I did it and now that is one more thing to have confidence in.  My ability to travel with them and handle it. This last year is making me stand on my own more than I have ever done before in my life.  I am going to be okay and I have made choices that I can live with even if some of them were hard.   I survived and now it is time to find a way to prosper.  I remember my therapist telling me taht early on in our relationship when all I wanted to do was survive what was happening to me and that was a year before he passed away.  She told me not only did I have the right to survive but to prosper.  Emotional hell only allows you to hang on for the ride but when the ride is over it is then time to take responsibility for what I have learned and share it to make it better for someone else if I can. I survived though sounds so achieving in so many ways.  I am still standing feels very good.  I wonder how prospering will feel?  It is the next logical step.