I told the kids this morning that we are leaving on a vacation today.  They are excited to go and my son seemed relieved that we wouldn't be here on the anniversary date.  Although for us it is a daily issue and not just one day. People have explained to me about the anxiety build up and now I understand what they meant by it.  And yet it will just be another day.  Anothery sunrise, another day of being Mom and taking care of them and me, another sunset and then it starts again.  I am dealing with things as they come and working at not living in projection which is so easy to do.  KISS (keep it simple stupid) is something my first sponsor used to say to me.  Don't make it harder than it needs to be or should be.  That does bring me back to where I need to be and it helps. It was nice to seem them smile this morning and to be happy again having something to look forward to.  It is not the dread that was there the day before.  I am glad that I made this choice for all of us. For me though it feels different.  It is yet another step forward on this path for me.  Taking them on a plane and to a vacation by myself.  I haven't done this yet.  All the things we did in the last year I had family or friends with me.  Not this time.  I need to start standing on my own.  Even though I have been doing the things I need to there is always someone to fall back on.  I want to start to trust myself that I am doing the right things and that I can manage.  The recordings that played in my head for so long of you can't, and you aren't smart enough or capable enough are starting to become more of a whisper as I pass each milestone and we move forward. I guess living with the abuse from his addiction for so long it became somewhat engraved in my head and it is taking a lot of work and effort to erase that recording and replace it with the knowledge and confidence that I am worthy and capable and have things to offer.  Saying it is one thing and believing it and walking it are another.  One step at a time is all I have to take. The contrast of missing who he was when he was sober and reconciling who he became when he started using again is still a struggle for me.  I still have times when I feel the would have, should have, could have but that is a useless game.  I was not responsible for his choices. This morning I remembered that it was exactly one year ago when I last spoke to him.  I remembered that he told me that the drugs were gone and he wasn't using any more and doing everything he could to be clean and put his family back together again.  I wanted to believe him and I want to have hope.  Five days later he was dead and then I found out that two days before I spoke to him he was at the doctor and getting his pain meds back.  They are what killed him.  Typical addict that he would lie to me to make me think what he needed me to think while trying to get away with it one more time.  He never thought this would happen to him.  Everyone's chances run out eventually.  It is what helps to keep me sober when I have those moments of doubt and lack of clarity.  They don't come often but they do come. I know what to do when they do.   So the suitcases are packed and I made my final to do list of last minute things to pack and then we will go.  I can do this and I want to do this and we all need to be together as a family relax and have some fun.  My 7 yo daughter looked at me and said 'yeah a whole week of you not working'.  I know they are all feeling the strain of what it takes for me to be a single parent but I can't change that.  But I can try and take some breaks where we are all together and the focus is us.