May is here and with it a year has passed.  I don't even know how to describe this year it has been filled with so much emotion, passion, fear, sadness, hope and just plain trying to live. One day at a time has been a mantra in so many ways.  For the sake of my sobriety, as always, for the ability to parent with patience, no so easy some days, for the sake of just putting one foot in front of the other most days. I have been working a lot lately and as much as I enjoy my advocacy work it is very draining trying to support parents that are struggling through issues for their own children.  But I know it is my path and have known for some time.  I have stopped fighting against it and am allowing it to be part of me.  That has certainly changed my mind set in a lot of ways. The kids still don't know we are leaving for Florida on Saturday and I will tell them that morning.  I have been sneaking clothes into the suitcases as I come across what we need.  The intensity in our home right now is like a balloon filling and I am hoping that this trip will act like a pin and deflate the intensity and provide some hope and fun for them. I am not kidding myself that it will still be hard for them but I hope that as it feels hard that they can get through it and then have some fun at the same time. Several people have asked me if I am okay and what am I doing for me.  I am always surprised by that question as I find myself putting so much time and energy into making sure the kids are okay that I am not always a focus.  I am not even sure how I would answer that question if I could answer it.  I am somewhat afraid of having the time to find out the answer to what about me?  It seems that at one time I had the answers and that they were all wrong.   I just know that I only have to get through one day at a time.  I don't have to have all the answers and I don't have to figure it all out.  Besides even if I figured it all out life would happen and things would change and I would have to figure it all out all over again. My plan is that there is no plan.  I am trying to take life as it comes and deal with the day to day as best I can.  My goal for the next week is to find a few hours of quiet for me and find a way for my kids to smile and enjoy life even for a few days.  We have had so much intensity and work go into getting through the last year that we all just need some time together to enjoy each other and have fun.  No expectations and no milestones to reach. I am a bit scared to travel with them by myself for such a long period of time but I also know that I can handle it because I want to.  Sounds like a contradiction but I feel as though I want to stand on my own a bit more than I have been willing to in the past.  It is a different feeling for me to not want to hide as well. I am going to try not to build a monument to my anxiety over what is just another day.  Not easy but I am willing to try.