It has been a few months since I have updated my journal and once again life is shifting. We are getting closer to the anniversary date and my youngest (4) and my oldest (12) seem to be managing okay.  They are willing to talk about their Dad and tolerate looking at pictuers and having conversations.  My middle child (6) won't discuss him at all or look at pictures or tolerate conversation.  She is so very angry all the time and I can see that she is ready to explode.  I have tried couseling, family counseling, patience, no patience and nothing seems to work.  She is rude and tantruming and demanding and wreaking havoc and chaos in the whole family. I am going to take her to a hospice grief center this week to see a social worker and do some play therapy.  I am at my wit's end and don't really know what else to do.  I had been spending time with someone for a month or so but I stopped that.  I could see that she was getting very attached to him and wanted him here all the time.  The problem was that I didn't want him here all the time.  It was fun at first and then he started pushing to be more a part of my life and I am in no way ready for that.  When he pushed I pulled back and that let me know that it was too soon. My kids have more potential to be hurt than I do at this time and I became very aware of that.  Even though it would be nice to be more than a Mom the price right now is too high.  I can understand why single parents would not bring someone around their kids right away now.  All these learning curves of being a single parent are hard. And honestly when the kids, even it if is one of them, struggle with the grief, so do I.  It becomes so complicated because I can feel my anger at him all over again for putting us in this situation and then I feel sad because I feel so alone as I struggle through it.  It just stays confusing.  I told my therapist, who is wonderful, that it is like pushing a boulder up a hill and every time I get close it starts to slip again.   She told me that was a greek mythology story but I don't know it.  I just know that is how it feels. I am taking the kids away for Easter weekend as there is too much PTSD associated with the holiday and we all need to relax and have some fun together as a family.  My brother is coming to help me and they love being with him too so I am hopeful that it will all go well. I honestly didn't think the anniversary times would throw me but I guess in my own way they are.  The grief gets less intense over time but it hangs tough and trying to get through it all is truly a one day at a time, some times  a one minute at a time process.