It has been a long time since I have used this journal and so many things have shifted and changed.  This month was harder than I expected it to be for the kids.  It wasn't the first holiday season without him so I didn't expect it to be emotional.  Yet it was and has been.  As we get closer to Christmas though their thoughts are turning to what is Santa putting under the tree!  So it is getting easier. Walking through and processing the loss of someone, close or not, is not an easy journey to take but as everyone kept saying, give it time.  Time does heal and it does help but no matter how much you want to put it off, you have to go through the grief.  I am starting to come out the other side and begining to live and enjoy life again and that is freeing. It is not doubt hard to raise three children as a single parent but the challenges are easier without his addiction hanging over our heads and constantly making life hard for us.  I have spent the last few months changing almost everything in the house and it looks different and feels different than when he lived here.  That has helped to exericise some of the demons as well.  When the basement was being done they found a half empty bottle of booze stuffed in the insulation so along with the pills the drinking was going on for him as well. But that is all done now and it is in the past and it will stay there.  Time for a new chapter.I have applied for an extensive training program for the educational advocacy work I do and I am hoping to get accepted.  It is a federally grant funded program and there is a selection process but I chose to apply.  I can do what I want to do now instead of what I need to do and that is a very big change for me as well.  It has forced me to look at me and ask the hard question what do I want.  I have spent so much time living a life of defense that it was a harder process than I thought it would be to actually decide in which direction I wanted to live in. I hope that everyone is well and now that things are more settled for me that I will be able to maybe get in here a bit more often to keep in touch with all of the wonderful people that have helped to support me as I have walked this path!