The last four days have been like walking through a bit of hell.  Too bad there isn't a smiley face that shows flames as I would use it.I had worked hard to get to the point where I could use a green face on Friday.  It was hard earned but I honestly felt it that day.  I had gone shopping for me and had lunch with a friend.  When my son came home from camp he was a bit manic and aggressive and things didn't go well between us.  His Dad would behave in the same way and it is a huge trigger for me.   On top of the anger I am dealing with anyway it was not a good combination.Then I got yet another letter from the stupid *ss lawyer my MIL hired wanting to know when she could have her 'things' and I lost it.  I went to bed angry and got up in a bad mood.  It didn't help that Saturday was Mike's birthday and that made me even angrier.  I decided I wasn't waiting until Tuesday to get his car and his things and I got a cab and put the kids in it and went over to MIL's house and took the van.  It was hard for the kids to see it but it is reality.  Their Dad is gone and it doesn't help them for me to protect them from that.  We all have to deal with it and talk about it.The van was filled with junk and I mean junk.  Old computers and the one that was his was stripped with the wires cut.  All his dirty work clothes were thrown in there.  Very few papers that I needed but some stuff was there.  His wedding ring and cell phone was there.  A birthday gift for my son was there and pictures from the supervised visits, not all of them but enough for the kids to have something.  MIL even put a carton of half used paint cans in the van which was just damn mean.I drove the car home and fell apart.  There I am in the driveway with junk all around me and I lost it.  I called my best friend and told her I was having a nervous breakdown and she came.  Her husband came and took my kids home with him to play with their kids.  A neighbor came over and helped us clean up and organize the mess.  We called a junk service and they came yesterday morning and took it all.  In fact we went through the whole house and cleaned out everything that needed to go.  I had been trying to do it on my own over the last year but it was a big job.  He was a pack rat and saved everything 'just in case'.  It was worth every penny to have them pull up to my house with a dumpster on a truck and just load it all up and take it away.I have his van now and it was the last legal item I was responsible for.  The title was not in the car and I have to go through the hassle of getting a duplicate but I would rather do that than deal with any of them any more.  I don't wish them ill I just wish them out of my life.  I don't want to be anyone's punching bag anymore.  I am taking myself out of the line of fire and hope that they will feel that they 'won' and just leave us alone.Yesterday I got the report from the ME's office that they had finalized his death certificate.  It was an overdose which didn't surprise me.  I was shocked by the drugs he did overdose on because they were the drugs that rehab removed and he had promised me he wasn't using or taking anymore.  He lied again.  That is what an addict in full blown addiction will do.  Lie to cover it up.  I wanted to believe him and that was me understimating the power of his addiction.  They ruled it accidental and that helps because I can claim the life insurance.Financially we will be okay and I can focus on raising the kids while keeping at my part time job.  The emotional devastation that this has caused is going to take a very long time to bounce back from.I am angry at him, so very, very, angry at him.  He knew beter. He had been through recovery before and he knew what he had to do.  He made a choice not to.  He was selfish and hurtful and did terrible things to the kids and I in the name of his addiction.  The addiction made him blind and deaf but not stupid.  It was still his choice.Always his choice.  I will keep repeating to myself that I was not responsible for his choice and I was not the cure no matter how much I wanted to be.So much pain, so very much pain.