Feeling very introspective today.  I have been reading an author Anne Lamott who writes about her life and her recovery and how faith change everything.  I am enjoying her books and I am enjoying reading.  I did so much of it when I was younger and it feels good to feed that again and not apoligize for it. The reading has brought these thoughts to me today.When someone you love passes away it creates pain and devastation and leaves you trying to make sense of a situation that we never should have been living with in the first place.  If we could have changed the abusive situation then we would have control over other people and their choices, and no one has that.  No one should have that.  No one should live that way, being controlled by another.    Letting go of the anger and the pain means acceptance.  Letting go of the anger and the pain and living in acceptance means you can forgive those that did so much to hurt you and tear you down.  Being able to forgive means not taking it personally and allowing that others had free choice in how they responded to a situation that they had no control over any more than I did.  Letting go, acceptance and forgiveness means that I am loved and I know that I am loved and I am good enough just the way I am.  There is a plan for me and I have free choice and free will to move forward on that path in the best way I know how.  Each and every person that has touched my life and enhanced it has made me a smarter and more loving person and my contribution will be to share that with the others that will touch my life as I move forward.I am not even sure that I know what this entry means to me, I only know that I felt this way this morning and wanted to write it down.  It seems that I have been living in a large amout of emotional pain for several years now and his passing allows me the choice of where I put the pain and how I allow it to define me.I don't want to be defined by it even though I know that everything that has happened in the last few years has changed who I am.  I guess in so many ways it feels strange to know that I have the freedom to make choices that I won't have to defend and don't have to defend.Faith and spirituality has always been important to me and it was always ridiculed so maybe part of this is just who I want to be and I am free to be that now.Feel like I am not making much sense in my writing but my feelings and inside of me today feels on track and that is all that I need to really know.My smiley face can be green today and honestly mean it and feel it.