I have been somewhat productive today.  It has been eating at me that I haven't been able to be focused and get work done in the way that I am used to or need to.  Working for such a small company it is just me that all the receivables and billing falls on and people are counting on me and I know that.The kids are at school and day care and I had no appointments today or phone calls to make.  I have cleaned up all the old files and made all the doctors appointments for the kids and for me.  I have to take of my needs as well.  And I had been putting that off.  I even remembered to make an appointment to get the oil changed.  All basic things that have to happen and if I let those things go then I will have other problems to deal with.  It is a good thing that I have been making lists to follow.I have had to force myself to do these things today and cross things off the list as I do them.  It worked and so I will be grateful today for the presence of mind that pushed me through that.I had to get myself prepared to go to court tomorrow as well.  It is the last thing in the world I want to do.  I don't want to face his attorney that has always been so awful to me and without him there to temper her.  I don't want the judge to name me his executor because that is just one more step of reality and finality to the whole nightmare that I am walking in.  I know it is coming and I have no choice.  I have to do it and I hate that so much.It also means that I have to start taking care of all his personal things that are at his mother's house and work.  Work will be easy as they are nice to me and helpful.  His mother hates me so much and will make my life as hard as possible.  I don't even know what I can do about that.  I made a list of all the things I know he had there and will ask the judge what I should do or can do and see if he can help me.  It is all I know to do.  And if it is too hard to face them or deal with them then I need to find a way to let it all go.  I won't allow them to hurt me or the kids any longer.  There has been enough pain to last a lifetime.At one point this morning as I was doing it all I found myself just starting to cry and then I started screaming and I couldn't stop.  I just screamed and screamed.  It was like releasing a demon stuck in my head and at the time if felt awful and now I just feel somewhat numb.  But purposeful at the same time if that makes sense.I just prayed for God to take this pain for a few days so I can do what I need to do.  And I will keep praying for that so I can put one foot in front of the other for the next couple of days to get through this part of the process.