The last two days have been a struggle. No patience with the kids tantrums and it is normal stuff but my energy level is low. My Mom came and took them out yesterday for a few hours and I had planned to get some things done and instead sat in a chair on the deck and just cried. I guess I needed to do that.The days when I have to deal with issues of his estate are harder than the days I can put it aside. I am behind in my work and I need to find a way to get my concentration back to where it needs to be. It is hard for me to feel so lacking in that area. My son's health has been an issue this week and he is struggling and we have been arguing. I know it is hard for him and he is looking to me to help him and I don't have the energy for it.People keep telling me that time will make it better and each day changes but it still isn't better. I am not sure how to define better and I guess it means something different for each person. I am not drinking or smoking and so those are both positive things I have to look at. I will pray for more patience with the kids and try to enjoy them more.We have a planned trip to Sesame Place at the end of the month and it was an annual tradition that the famil always did. We didn't go last year because I had no money and I couldn't bear the thought of taking them without him. I am going to do it this year as they have been asking and i know how much they enjoy it. I don't want them to lose all of their childhood memory times. I know it will be hard for me but it is the reality of life now. It will be the four of us now and not the five of us.This part of life makes the shock wear off quicker when you know you have to move forward and do things you don't want to do.That is life going on.
Replies
I think it\'s too soon for things to feel better, Marie. But you are doing a wonderful job. You don\'t always have to be strong, you just have to keep trying. Time will help but it will only move so fast. All the best.
Sounds like you\'re grieving and you need to in order to get past the pain. It\'s always the hardest part when you\'re in such pain and feel like it\'s never going to end and then someone like me says \"This too shal pass\" don\'t you just feel like punching me or at the least tellingme to be quiet? But the truth is it will pass. I have a very good fried whose husband died over 7 years ago from brain cancer. I asked her how she dealt with it and if it ever got better. She told me that she wouln\'t necessarily say that life got better but it changed. She and her two boys got used to the change. There are times when she misses her husband and the boys miss their dad but they\'re making it through and so will you and your kids. Good for you for going to Sesame Place. The kids are going to have so much fun and they deserve it. It might be bitter sweet for you but I\'m sure just seeing the smiles on your kids faces will make it all worth it. Stay strong and remember you\'re not alone.
Carolyn
I love reading your journal entries Marie, you have such a realistic outlook and I draw strength from your powerful entries.
Kathryn