It is Saturday morning and the kids are watching cartoons which they love to do. The girls had lost the privilege of tv all week long due to the acting up that was going on. It was a struggle each night to get them to listen to me and stay in bed. Last night they did it and so got the privilege back. They were proud of themselves and I was proud of them too and told them so.The difference in them was because of the difference in me. I didn't yell and scream. I just told them what I expected and they knew I would follow through as I had done all week. It has been hard to find the energy to do that but I know that I need to be consistent with them.It is what I have had to do in the last year without their Dad in the house and I was getting to a place where we were all managing when he passed. The difference now is that he is not going to call and undermine all that I have tried to do with them. They don't feel pulled between us and I am not frustrated by always having to be the adult and doing the right thing. It was always that way.Part of me feels guilty and part of me feels relieved and I am working on that and I know it is a slow process. I am just grateful that for today, they are behaving, and even for just this hour, it it has to be that way.I need to remember to keep things in the day and just focus on what I can do for today. I am usually leaping 10 steps ahead trying to fix it all and make it all better for everyone. I can't do that anymore and that makes me a martyr and lose sight of what I do need to do for me so that I can take care of them. Part of what my therapist was trying to get me to. In fact she told me that I would have had that guilt even if he was alive and I didn't quite understand what she meant.I think she meant that it is my nature to be a fixer and make things better. I would have always tried to do that even if he was alive and I would have felt guilt over not being able to accomplish it. I couldn't fix him, no matter how much I wanted to. And I wanted to because that would have made life better for me and the kids.That is gone now and I have to use what is in front of me and what energy I have today to accomplish having a day in which we can all do what we can do and not hurt each other with our emotions.Not always an easy task but I only have to do it for one day at a time.
Replies
Good for you. Once again we sound like sisters. I relate to everything you said. I\'ve been more lax with my younger son since I\'m overworked and underpaid so to speak. Being conistent has always been a problem for me. Good for you and the kids that you stuck with it all week. Being the fixer, thats me! If only everyone would do as I say life would be great. Ugh. I remember when my husband first relapsed I was so over wrought with guilt. I felt like it was my fault that I married him and gave my kids a father like that. I thought it was my job to keep them safe and secure and here he is ruining all my efforts. I didn\'t want my kids exposed to an active addicts behavior yet here it was in their faces, in my reactions to thier fathers behavoir. Anyway I finally got the message that it is what it is and I\'m not responsible for him. I can still give my kids what I feel they deserve starting with not reacting to the addicts behavoir. I can give them what they need. But it used to piss me off so bad that at times I wished Pat were dead. Again another lesson that was presented to me. Well sorry for going on. Hope you have a wonderful peaceful day with the kids.
Carolyn
Thank you for sharing that, I admire your daily effort to stay consistent. My problem is I might not have had the patience to stay consistent until I got the result I was looking for, and clearly that is very important. You\'re an inspiration Marie, keep it up!
Kathryn