I held it together today and that is my only goal for each day.  To keep my self from falling apart.  I held onto my patience with the kids which at the end of the day has been a hard thing for me to do lately.They know Mom is sad and they are trying but they are sad too and it is hard for them.  They will take their cues from me though so if I am patient and understanding they will try harder.  The girls actually listened to me tonight as I was giving them a bath and there were no tantrums.  I know it won't happen every day but if now and then the day can go well for all of us it will be a huge step towards healing and taking care of each other.My son was sick with stomach problems all day.  His gluten intolerance has been fairly well managed but when he is under a lot of stress well he spends a lot of time being sick.  And he did so much emotinoal processing yesterday, more than usual, the stress was too hard on him physically.He is starting to turn Dad into someone he wasn't when he was alive and I struggle with that conception of him.  He didn't do things with the kids unless I forced him to and then he would complain about it a lot and ask what was in it for him.  I don't want the kids to know that but part of me wonders if it is harder to lose him if they create a fantasy Dad.  Then I wonder if it will hurt them at all to have a fantasy Dad since he can't be here to disappoint them with that lack of a hero image.I worked hard on that while we were separated as they started to do that and I knew he could never live up to what they were creating.  So I kept things as honest and yet kid level as possible.  It helped them to cope when the supervised visits came around and they would end up disappointed during the visit or during a scheduled phone call.I think this is something that I will work through with my therapist.  We used to spend a lot of time on how I would help the kids manage before and after contact with him and now I need to understand how to best help them cope with the grief given the abuse they lived with.None of it is easy but these kids sure are worth it.