Things are starting to shift again.  I know that this is a day to day thing and it is so confusing most of the time.My son finally fell apart at school.  Thankfully he is in a therapuetic day school and they are prepared to manage his emotional needs.  He had to be restrained in school yesterday and I was almost relieved that it happened.  He has been perfect at home and in school.  Too perfect.  I knew that he needed to explode and fall apart and I haven't seen him do it.He has told me three times that he feels like he needs to be with Dad and that terrifies me.  He has been hospitalized for suicideal ideation in the past and it scares me that those thoughts are there.  We talked about what the reality of that would look like and I think he understood it the best he could.  It is one more time that life becomes hard and the strain of what I have to deal with is overwhelming.  I am having a hard time asking for help and accessing support for myself.  Mostly because I get so very tired of talking about it all the time.  I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it.  It is like living in a big bubble and I am waiting for it all to pop and explode in my face. The girls have been off the wall the last week as well.  Especially the 3 year old.  She will be four in August and she is so verbal and yet I know she is feeling the same grief as the rest of us and doesn't know what to do with it.  My patience has been so limited and I don't know how to handle her tantrums and falling apart on a daily basis.  It is exhausting.  Yet I know that all they want is my love and support and I feel so depleted I don't have any reserves to pull this from.The sickeest part of all of this is I am still waiting for the phone to ring to tell me it was all a bad joke and he is fine.  I know that isn't true but I am still waiting.  And what would like look like if it were a bad joke.  Well I would be going to court and being faced with him and his lawyers telling lies about me and the kids and how I was parenting them.  Every aspect of my life and every choice I have made and continue to make would be called into question.  I would feel just as stressed and out of control at times as I do know.The last three years with him were always a continual no win situation for me where I spent more time and energy defending everything I did in my life.  Part of me just doesn't know how to not live that way. I have to learn.