Wednesday, the one day a week that I work in the office. Got the two older kids off to school and just waiting for my Mom to come to watch the little one. Then off to work and focusing on my job.I work from home as well but there are so many things here that distract me now and I find that I am not focusing the way that I could. It wasn't like that before he died and yet now my thoughts can scatter so easily. I guess if I am honest it was like that when I first put him out on the restraining order. It took huges amount of time and energy to get through basic things. But I had the stress of court and phone calls and angry emails from him. Now I have silence.It is hard to feel that I would prefer the latter to the current but there are times that I do. Yet even though the kids are behaving like any kids would, bickering, fighting, tattling and not listening, there is a difference in them as well. Especially my son, he is calmer than I have seen him in a very long time. How can his death have released such a burden for all of us. And did it release an even bigger burden for him?Are there truly people that walk among us in which this life is just too hard for them? I don't think there is an easy answer for that. Part of me feels that what he wanted in his spirit and couldn't find is there for us now. Maybe that is crazy talk to some people but I believe it.The first few weeks when he was gone I had such overwhelming urges to medicate the pain away. Thankfully, being sober 20 years, has taught me so many things. If I had done that, I would have woken to the pain being worse but magnified by what I had done to remove it. In the last year I have learned how to live with self respect and for so many years, living with abuse, I felt there was no self respect. It is important to me and it gives me things inside that I didn't have before.This all feels so much bigger than me and I wish some of it were clearer. Part of me feels so numb and I am not sure if that is good or not. I guess I don't have to figure it all out today and so I won't.I have always had a hard time just letting life be and having quite figured that one out yet.
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I loved what you said about what he wanted in his spirit is there for you now. I remember feeling that way when I looked at my husband when he was in the hosptial (for his stroke) and the doctors told me it didn\'t look good. that he might die. I looked at him and a sense of peace came over me coupled with sadness. He looked so at peace. I thought to myself, he\'s out of his misery now and if he dies he\'ll be free. He\'ll be happy. He just looked like a troubled soul laying there in the bed unconscience. It\'s crazy but at that moment I felt a sense of relief that all this chaos might be over. He\'ll be free and I\'ll be free. Well the story goes he did recover and I\'m grateful for that but I just wanted to let you know I kind of felt the same way. I hope you have a wonderful day.
I am very happy for my son Jeff that he got to pass. He wanted it so bad. He was just laying there in bed, unable to get out, miseable. All he wanted was for me to let him go. Yes, there was an intense sense of relief when he went. I\'ve been feeling soooo guilty ever since because I thought that meant that for that time in the hospital, I wanted him to go. I\'ve been pretty @#$%ed up about it,actually, and it\'s not just me?