Made it through another day although the kids are not asleep yet.  His brother came today and took some of the larger items out of the shed that needed to be put in the dumpster.  He helped fix the fence and the new patio table.  It was nice to have someone else help with a few things.  He and his other brother have been helpful and it is nice to know that some of that connection is still there for the kids.  They need to know them even in a small way.He also told me that most if not all of the extended family were proud of the way I handled myself at his funeral.  That felt good and sad at the same time.  Good to know that I did the right thing and yet sad that I had to do it at all.He knew how bad his brother was and had talked with him and tried to get him to clean up.  That didn't happen and couldn't happen.  He was too far gone at that point.  I think everyone but his mother and sister knew that.  No one really knew how bad he was and for how long before I put him out of the house.  They are all starting to see that now.Not that I needed justification and it doesn't make it any easier but it has been hard to get past the should haves.  There really aren't any should haves as the kids and I could not go down with the ship so to speak.My son's doctor today told me that the kids will do okay as long as I do okay and they will take their cues from me.  I have always known that and I have seen the evidence of it.  It was hard to hold onto that before as he would always find a way to screw with me.  Now that doesn't and won't happen. I can choose to be happy and move forward or I can choose to stay stuck.  Part of me feels very disloyal if I don't stay stuck.  But it has been more than a year since he walked away.  Longer than that if you count the abusive period before he left.  It seems I have been in this space for more than two years now.  I don't want to be here anymore.And yet I am.