I got up this morning and had slept well last night.  Some nights are like that and I am grateful for the ones that are.  The rollercoaster continues and today it feels as though I am climbing up and not shooting down.  I will be grateful for that.I come here and read other messages and try to gain from the experience, strength and hope that shows in messages.  I try to also gain even from the hard things that others are going through and know that it could be me and sometime is me.  Reaching out to others and not being so stuck in my own mess does help at times.Part of my struggles is that I am trying to hold onto some good memories and am having trouble finding them before the kids were born.  They are gifts from God and such a blessing to me and yet they weren't always that to him.  Children change lives and for some in a good way and for others in an overwhelming way.  He never wanted that responsiblity but that was my package deal wanting a family. I have been having feelings of life being unresolved but in a way it wasn't.  His spirit was too weak and I know he is happier and at peace where he is.  My job is to find the love and peace that God gave him in his death and put it into my life.  A daunting task to be sure but now the path I need to walk.