Aunt Mary came to have dinner with us tonight.  She wanted to take us out but I am too tired and the kids aren't behaving well enough for me to have the patience.  So we cooked here and she helped and that made the day easier. My Mom stopped by because she was supposed to watch the kids as two of my friends wanted to take me out.  I said no and called them and said thanks but I can't do it tonight.  I appreciated the thought and the concern but am too tired.  I don't feel like talking or even not talking.  They understood.Just feeling numb and unmotivated right now after being so angry for most of the day.  It's not even like life has changed that much for any of us and yet in some ways it has changed completely.I am not sure how to move forward without constantly feeling as though I have to defend every choice that I make or wondering if I do make a choice how long it would be before he would abuse me over it or pay his lawyer to abuse me in court.  I don't have that now. The kids are definitely managing better than I am and that is because he was so good at always walking away from them even when he lived with us.  I used to tell him that eventually they would walk away as well if he didn't spend time with them now.  In some ways they did.Part of me is also angry because I know that he wasn't going to stop using he was just going to see if he could get me to agree to move forward and hide the pills.  If he wasn't thinking that, then he would have been honest with me when I asked him about the prescriptions after the hospital.  I found out about that lie after he passed and saw the doctor's orders.  More lies and more evidence of his needs coming before ours.That is really what is making me so angry.