I was never a big fan of rollercoasters.  The ups and downs and not sure when it would stop and if it would stop before you couldn't handle it all.That is what life feels like right now.  Days of extreme highs and lows and just wanting it to stop.  And when it does stop feeling so relieved that you are safe when it stops.I didn't sleep well last night and kept tossing and turning thinking of all the things that were left unresolved and unfinished.  It is definitely finished for him.  He resolved the pain and frustration and we did not.When I met the financial planner yesterday and we were talking through everything and why things were set up the way they were she said to me, "so you lost him a long time ago."  I never thought of it that way but she was right.  He walked away from our life more than 2 years ago and I was fighting to hold on to normal as best I could and defend myself against his addiction and the damage it was creating for me and the kids.Part of me is not sure how to even live without that chaos in my life but I do know I wouldn't mind trying.  And part of me is so afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life as anyone sane person would run from the baggage that gets dragged behind me.The pain that his family is willing to pursue and continue to hurt the kids and me with is a legacy that will hopefully end when I go to court to be appointed executor.  I know I need to detach from that but it seems like the last link in a way.Life is going to continue and I have to put my energy into focusing on the things I can control, raising my kids and making good choices for all of us.It would be easier to hide but that has never been me although I fantasize about letting it be me.