Tired
TODAY IS not a good Day.
Today I am at one of the low spots of this roller costar and I am feeling very physically tired and drained. I feel alone and like I just want to wake up from this bad dream.
We have been dealing with the lawyer this week trying to lay out the property settlement. Making sure all the wording is right. This is really making me feel so much like a failure. I know that all these emotions are normal, that they are to be expected. But I thought I had gotten past the crying in my cornflakes, but that is right where I am today.
For me as a man, through all of my marriage the one place that I felt SAFE, the one place I always felt a refuge from my troubles and problems was when I was in my wife’s arms. No matter how bad things were, in her arms I gained a peace, a relaxing of my soul that recharged my batteries both physically and mentally! And today when I need that Solis so bad that I can barely function. It is not there. And I know that it will never be there for me again. The woman I fell in love with the first time I saw her the night of my 26th birthday, will ever really ever be there for me again. O’ we are remaining friends and we will help each other through tuff times when needed, but she will never be there again as my companion, life mate, my inspiration, my reason.
My good senses and reasoning tell me that she has not really been there for years, but with my head in the sand I did not know that. And even after I “pulled my head-out”, I had HOPE. Hope that we could make it work and HOPE we would be together leaning on each other for eternity. But my hope is gone. And it hurts again! Out of this devastation there is a light at the end of the tunnel, BUT TODAY IT JUST HURTS.
And the questions I ask myself about my life a year from now, 5 years, 10 or more years, all leave me feeling even more so that maybe being alone in the same house / room when she was there, might have been better than truly being alone. And that lying to myself and maintaining HOPE was better than no hope at all.
Yep, Today BITES a Big One!!!!
Today I am at one of the low spots of this roller costar and I am feeling very physically tired and drained. I feel alone and like I just want to wake up from this bad dream.
We have been dealing with the lawyer this week trying to lay out the property settlement. Making sure all the wording is right. This is really making me feel so much like a failure. I know that all these emotions are normal, that they are to be expected. But I thought I had gotten past the crying in my cornflakes, but that is right where I am today.
For me as a man, through all of my marriage the one place that I felt SAFE, the one place I always felt a refuge from my troubles and problems was when I was in my wife’s arms. No matter how bad things were, in her arms I gained a peace, a relaxing of my soul that recharged my batteries both physically and mentally! And today when I need that Solis so bad that I can barely function. It is not there. And I know that it will never be there for me again. The woman I fell in love with the first time I saw her the night of my 26th birthday, will ever really ever be there for me again. O’ we are remaining friends and we will help each other through tuff times when needed, but she will never be there again as my companion, life mate, my inspiration, my reason.
My good senses and reasoning tell me that she has not really been there for years, but with my head in the sand I did not know that. And even after I “pulled my head-out”, I had HOPE. Hope that we could make it work and HOPE we would be together leaning on each other for eternity. But my hope is gone. And it hurts again! Out of this devastation there is a light at the end of the tunnel, BUT TODAY IT JUST HURTS.
And the questions I ask myself about my life a year from now, 5 years, 10 or more years, all leave me feeling even more so that maybe being alone in the same house / room when she was there, might have been better than truly being alone. And that lying to myself and maintaining HOPE was better than no hope at all.
Yep, Today BITES a Big One!!!!
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