I feel crumpled up, defective, impotent
Today i was watching a show and a contestant said "As a kid who was always told theyre not good enough..."" and that line just hit me very hard.  Some of that talk comes from other people but its reinforced in my own head constantly. 
I dont even know what I would do with success, or being good enough.  Its hard to think of the last time I felt that about myself, I guess before I started college.  I remember getting that college acceptance letter and just shaking with happiness. I was so proud to tell everyone. I think of everything i achieved after(very little) and theres just no sense of happiness.  
Im used to doing shit on schoolwork, hating myself, denying myself meals or sleep as useless atonement. But whenever I do well, theres never any happiness: "good i dont have to hate myself later that really frees up my time" "Oh i didnt fuck this up".  In my mind, doing all this prep for the GRE, for grad school.  I run thorugh two scenarios
In the first I get accepted, its a very vague image, im happy but i dont tangibly know why
in the second I dont get in, this is a very dark image in my head, I imagine something dramatic, harm to myself or something like that
 
The second scenario is a lot easier to imagine
 
It took forever to write this all out, when I would try the emotions would get to strong, I would instantly open up a browser, look at stupid shit on the internet.  Anything to distract me, anesthetize myself, numb myself.  This is all so fucked.  Im fucked. Night.
 
it took a while to