work started out so so, actually kind of good.  today was only a 730 to 430 shift.  things were all going pretty good, then came noon, then came one, then came the bank run for the store.  while standing there waiting for the teller to process the weekend deposits from two stores, i kept feeling myself get more and more anxious.  she just wouldn't do them fast enough,  there were curves and roadblocks to everything.  i realized that i was beginning to panic and wanted to quickly divert to my car.  she was finally up to deposit number nine of the twelve, and i looked at her and said, Nothing personal, no problems, i have panic attacks, and i am having one now, although it is not really bad, i must go sit down for a few minutes.  she said calmly, go ahead, it's okay, i turned as everyone waiting anxiously in line looked at me with vengence, she kept doing my deposits, and i continued to panic over in the office section in a chair, then i had enough, i went back to the window, and collected all my stuff, and went back to the store, where i conitinued to panic even more, over all this has been about fifteen minutes maybe 20, then i took another half of the xanax, this made 3 halves so far today.  at .125 per half this put me up to .375 milligrams of xanax, more than it has ever taken me to releive the panic.  i took the first .125 at about 8 15 because i had racing thoughts about things, and i took the second half completeting the first pill about 3 hours later, because it was kind of returning.  then, i took the final half after going to the bank and returning in panic.  i used to feel this was when going in grocery stores back about 3 or 4 years ago, when the panic attacks first started.  anyway, i ended up leaving work early by about 45 minutes.  my assistant who was taking over for me understood completely.  now she is being transferred out, so there goes my in house support system at work.  I don't know what's causing these attacks, i just want them so badly to stop.  I've learned to say, there is no danger here, and stop repeatedly in my mind, and all sorts of other coping skills. but, they are just not doing it right now.  i have been encompased in some sort of anxiety that i just can't quite put my fingers on for weeks now.  I am tired of it.!!!!!!!!!!!!  As i thought i was coming down from the panic, my fingers became cold and numb, and my fingernails turned so pink............i know that during panic, blood flows from the capilaries to the major muscles in the body, it's an instinctal, primal aspect of fear.  I just hate it as it makes my mind think all sorts of bad things, like stroke, heart attack, etc.  so, i got this panic despite the fact that i had already had some xanax in me.  This pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not to be so verbal, I am just tired of it..........Now, I've taken the xanax, came home, went from feeling cold and panicky to hot, and i just dipped in the pool and then took a nap.  During which time, I've awaken, and feel depressed, and went to dinner, and couldn't wait to come home.  This is my life.  Something's bothering me unconciously, I just know it, but I don't know what it is..................Peace out.  Tomorrow, I WILL BE OKAY SOMEHOW.