Better
I woke up feeling better. Nothing's changed except perhaps my attitude. I hope I can hold on to this. I slept like crap as usual & dreamt about arguing with him.
I have some realizations this morning - maybe I can make them stick.
He is sick - really sick, he can't help himself. He is trying to get rid of his pain by throwing it at me. I don't need to take it. I can block him on my phone - even if only temporary. I cannot help him. I have tried. He is mentally and physically ill and this will take him to death eventually if he doesn't get help. Writing this now I realize that I don't feel the guilt near as much as I did before.
His abuse to me is something he can't help doing right now. Doesn't make it acceptable in any way, but it's kind of like an epileptic - he has fits. He does know what he has done the next day, so he is responsible to make changes in his life so it stops happening, but when it happens, he can't f*ing help himself.
I have the hardest time accepting what a complete cruel man he is. I keep defending him and trying to understand him. I think I just don't want him to be what he is because it says so little about me for being with a man like that. This is just a stupid thinking loop that I need to stop. He is a complete jerk now - whatever he was before - I don't like who he is now. Who he is now is dangerous to me.
If, or I should say when, he does the drunk mean text thing again. I won't respond while he is in the middle of his drunk rant. I will respond the next day. I will tell him that I care about him and I will be there for him if he wants to get well, but that I don't want to hear from the drunk Ken.
I also realize that I've been wallowing in a big fat pity party. I want it to end. I am responsible for where I'm at right now. I let it happen, financially, emotionally, physically - all of it. I saw it happening and tried to pretend it wasn't. Of course he manipulated me and abused me, but I let it happen. I'm not going to say anything about what an idiot I was, because I just don't need to bash myself.
I am responsible and I am responsible to change my life. He can only hurt me as long as I let him. I need to stop letting him.
I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning. I think I need to get medication to help with sleep, obsessive thoughts, depression - all of it. I'm also going to ask for a psych referral.
I am responsible to get better for me.
I want a new life.
I have some realizations this morning - maybe I can make them stick.
He is sick - really sick, he can't help himself. He is trying to get rid of his pain by throwing it at me. I don't need to take it. I can block him on my phone - even if only temporary. I cannot help him. I have tried. He is mentally and physically ill and this will take him to death eventually if he doesn't get help. Writing this now I realize that I don't feel the guilt near as much as I did before.
His abuse to me is something he can't help doing right now. Doesn't make it acceptable in any way, but it's kind of like an epileptic - he has fits. He does know what he has done the next day, so he is responsible to make changes in his life so it stops happening, but when it happens, he can't f*ing help himself.
I have the hardest time accepting what a complete cruel man he is. I keep defending him and trying to understand him. I think I just don't want him to be what he is because it says so little about me for being with a man like that. This is just a stupid thinking loop that I need to stop. He is a complete jerk now - whatever he was before - I don't like who he is now. Who he is now is dangerous to me.
If, or I should say when, he does the drunk mean text thing again. I won't respond while he is in the middle of his drunk rant. I will respond the next day. I will tell him that I care about him and I will be there for him if he wants to get well, but that I don't want to hear from the drunk Ken.
I also realize that I've been wallowing in a big fat pity party. I want it to end. I am responsible for where I'm at right now. I let it happen, financially, emotionally, physically - all of it. I saw it happening and tried to pretend it wasn't. Of course he manipulated me and abused me, but I let it happen. I'm not going to say anything about what an idiot I was, because I just don't need to bash myself.
I am responsible and I am responsible to change my life. He can only hurt me as long as I let him. I need to stop letting him.
I made an appointment with a doctor for tomorrow morning. I think I need to get medication to help with sleep, obsessive thoughts, depression - all of it. I'm also going to ask for a psych referral.
I am responsible to get better for me.
I want a new life.
Replies
I\'m really glad you\'re seeing a doctor. It\'s another way of investing in you. I think making this kind of \"investment\" sends powerful messages to yourself that you are \"worth it.\" In my case, getting serious about getting fit, considering higher education and seeing an orthodontist to address dental issues I\'d like to correct: all of these have had surprisingly lasting positive effects. But any form of self-care, I think, sends this kind of message and helps reinforce your feelings of worthiness. I\'m finding it easier and easier to say (not just say but really BELIEVE), Okay, why would I want to be with a man who doesn\'t value me the way I value me? Another revelation is seeing/feeling more and more of a \"me\" emerging, someone who doesn\'t base her sense of validation on how other people react to her. It\'s kind of amazing how deep these issues run... Anyway, I wish you all the best and keep taking those baby steps!