I'm feeling bad, not slit-my-wrists kind of bad, but oh crap this is hopeless bad.
I saw him again. I guess I may never learn. He has been self destructing in the past few weeks. I got a call from his son on Saturday night when I was out of town. His son was so upset, said that Ken had been very sick, passing out and unable to eat for days. The son said he was going to come to see him to take him to the doctor on Monday. His son said that he was getting a lot of pressure from his dad, his dad saying that if it wasn't for him, he would put a bullet in his head. His son cried again to me on the phone, and said that he was going to ask his Dad to go into rehab. I told him I would be there when he talked to him, if he wanted me too. The same night, I got several texts from Ken. Everything from "I hate that you're even breathing, you're the worst person in the world." to "I love you, I miss you and I hurt for you."
So I don't hear anything more until today. He wants to talk to me. He says he's been really sick. So, I go over to talk to him. He starts out by telling me that he can't have any negativity - doctor's orders. I ask him what is going on, can I help? He tells me he's been sick, passing out, has an extremely high heart rate & BP & the doctor wanted to hospitalize him. He tells me that he told the doctor all about what he'd been going through, with his mom dying and me leaving, and him taking care of me after surgery (really?) and that his doctor told him to stay away from me. That I am toxic to him. And then he goes on to tell me that I am a bad person, and a user, etc. but he loves me and that I am a c**t, because I don't say I love him.
I just sit there frozen. I don't know what to say. He's told me that he can't have any negativity. I have tears running down my face and he says "what did you expect me to say?" "No, really what did you think you would get out of coming over to see me? Be honest." So I reached over and picked up his beer and I said, "I thought that the doctor would tell you that this is killing you. I thought that you would be telling me that you were going to try to find a way to quit drinking." I was crying as I said this.
And he threw me out. Said you need to leave now. You have no heart, no understanding, no love in you at all. He said he would never contact me again. I left.
And I wonder. Am I really the villain in his story? Am I really the heartless, cold user? But how can this make any sense in any way? But then to him I'm sure he feels the same. That I don't make sense. And I realize that in this short conversation the worst thing I said to him was that I had hoped he would realize that his drinking was killing him. And I thought of all the crap he said about me, to my face when I was coming to offer my help. So he can't be right. Or does it even f**ing matter.
I keep trying to make sense of this. I keep telling myself "Let it go, let it go, let it go." But I keep trying to make sense.
I saw him again. I guess I may never learn. He has been self destructing in the past few weeks. I got a call from his son on Saturday night when I was out of town. His son was so upset, said that Ken had been very sick, passing out and unable to eat for days. The son said he was going to come to see him to take him to the doctor on Monday. His son said that he was getting a lot of pressure from his dad, his dad saying that if it wasn't for him, he would put a bullet in his head. His son cried again to me on the phone, and said that he was going to ask his Dad to go into rehab. I told him I would be there when he talked to him, if he wanted me too. The same night, I got several texts from Ken. Everything from "I hate that you're even breathing, you're the worst person in the world." to "I love you, I miss you and I hurt for you."
So I don't hear anything more until today. He wants to talk to me. He says he's been really sick. So, I go over to talk to him. He starts out by telling me that he can't have any negativity - doctor's orders. I ask him what is going on, can I help? He tells me he's been sick, passing out, has an extremely high heart rate & BP & the doctor wanted to hospitalize him. He tells me that he told the doctor all about what he'd been going through, with his mom dying and me leaving, and him taking care of me after surgery (really?) and that his doctor told him to stay away from me. That I am toxic to him. And then he goes on to tell me that I am a bad person, and a user, etc. but he loves me and that I am a c**t, because I don't say I love him.
I just sit there frozen. I don't know what to say. He's told me that he can't have any negativity. I have tears running down my face and he says "what did you expect me to say?" "No, really what did you think you would get out of coming over to see me? Be honest." So I reached over and picked up his beer and I said, "I thought that the doctor would tell you that this is killing you. I thought that you would be telling me that you were going to try to find a way to quit drinking." I was crying as I said this.
And he threw me out. Said you need to leave now. You have no heart, no understanding, no love in you at all. He said he would never contact me again. I left.
And I wonder. Am I really the villain in his story? Am I really the heartless, cold user? But how can this make any sense in any way? But then to him I'm sure he feels the same. That I don't make sense. And I realize that in this short conversation the worst thing I said to him was that I had hoped he would realize that his drinking was killing him. And I thought of all the crap he said about me, to my face when I was coming to offer my help. So he can't be right. Or does it even f**ing matter.
I keep trying to make sense of this. I keep telling myself "Let it go, let it go, let it go." But I keep trying to make sense.
Replies
Ouch. He sounds so manipulative in the way he deals with his son as well as you. I don\'t mean to be judgemental, it must be a hard place for him to be and my heart goes out to him, I hope he can find a better way to get himself out of it, but he needs to stop dragging you into it. I\'m sorry that you had to go through that and I hope you can step away. I still struggle trying to make sense of my ex too and never get anywhere! At least you know he has his son and his dr in his camp, I always find it easier stepping away when I know there are other people (preferably professionals) there to support. You have never sounded like a bad person or a user to me, you are right that he isn\'t right. He is in his own self-created mess, and hurting because of it, and taking it out on you with some nasty emotional manipulation. :( Sending you hugs x
He is responsible for his own well being..... drinking himself to death is not him taking care of himself. You are not responsible for his own self abuse. For him to yell in your face, call you unmentionable names, and blame you for everything is sooooo childish and manipulative. Mine is a yeller at times, but NEVER calls me a c**t or anything like that. He is the only one that can take control of his drinking..... you can\'t do it for him and please don\'t allow him to pull you into his miserable despair. He should try to put himself in your shoes..... you left him, without having a job, without having a place to call your own due to his abuse. Shouldn\'t that tell him something? That you\'d rather be in dire straights than be subjected to more of his tyranny. Stay strong, let it go, take care of yourself and let it to...
Let it go....
This is gut-wrenching to read. He\'s playing you and you totally know he\'s playing you and even then, you\'re still vulnerable. Don\'t let him push your buttons. What the others have said is right: he is the only one responsible for his drinking. Your words to him (\"I thought that the doctor would tell you that this is killing you\") were responsible and caring, but he\'s obviously not ready to hear it. As the others say, you did what you could to help this guy but if he chooses to continue down that road of self-destruction, then that\'s his decision. Don\'t let him play with your head about this: he just seems out to drag you down with him. Listen to your gut, stay away, keep getting input from others, taking baby steps, looking forward to a brighter future for YOU. It\'s not how many times we fall but how many times we pick ourselves up that counts.
You\'re the toxic person? That is almost comical if it weren\'t your life. I am so sorry you are going through more crap. I hope you know that you are not the problem here, he is......the true toxic person. I would do what the DR. advices, stay away from him. Don\'t let him pressure you, belittle you, lie to you and continue abusing you anymore. I know you feel guilt, that is because you have a true heart. Let it go, let him go, let the past go. You are on an amazing new journey, keep going my friend. You know what is in the past, it keeps rearing its ugly head and you get nothing positive or healing when it does. Go, be free, don\'t look back. I\'m sorry, I know how hard this is for you, I can feel it through your posts. At this point, you may just need to block his and his son\'s calls........no good is going to come from this situation and I think you know it, be strong. Sending you hugs!!!!!!!!