Day 15
I am doing better in many ways, but this is so up & down. I'm having such difficulty being comfortable with myself. I do miss him, but it is not gut-wrenching like the last times. I am very sad, but it's like he has died. I'm trying to figure this out right now. Why I'm feeling this way. I guess it is acceptance. Our relationship is dead. I really have no hope of reconciliation. I don't want ever to "try it again". This is a good thing, but also a sad thing.
I've shed some tears in the past few days. I miss him so much some times. I feel the desire to go to him to be comforted, which makes no sense. He hasn't been much comfort, actually the opposite, for a long time. I made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma bonding for next week. This desire to be with him is something I need to control.
I need to work on rebuilding my life. Complete my post surgery physical therapy and find a way to make a living again. I need to find an apartment. Living with my daughter & son-in-law is working out okay, but not a long term solution.
I've also had some periods of actual peace and I think, happiness in the past few days. (Go me!) Sunday was a good day. I went to thrift shops & then drove around looking at apartments. I spent the day by myself & it was good.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
I've shed some tears in the past few days. I miss him so much some times. I feel the desire to go to him to be comforted, which makes no sense. He hasn't been much comfort, actually the opposite, for a long time. I made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma bonding for next week. This desire to be with him is something I need to control.
I need to work on rebuilding my life. Complete my post surgery physical therapy and find a way to make a living again. I need to find an apartment. Living with my daughter & son-in-law is working out okay, but not a long term solution.
I've also had some periods of actual peace and I think, happiness in the past few days. (Go me!) Sunday was a good day. I went to thrift shops & then drove around looking at apartments. I spent the day by myself & it was good.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Replies
I get this so much. The wanting to be comforted by them, even though they never did in the first place, or made it worse. The wanting to reach out now for comfort even though, you know they don\'t care and they will most likely try to make you feel like garbage when you do.
You\'re doing great. You give me strength. Have a good day. Hugs*
I am proud of you.
I totally understand the comfort thing as well -- though I also get the irony of wanting comfort from the very same person who caused you pain! Odd, that. Why do we give them such power?
[oops, pressed return too soon] Anyway, a huge thumbs-up to you for holding it together while you\'re navigating through this extremely difficult time. The grieving you\'re doing sounds altogether healthy. It is hard, hard, hard to let go of a dream. And we don\'t choose these people because we are masochists -- we choose them because in some way, they represent the growth we need to do. (It\'s complex -- I\'m only just starting to get my head around it.) That being said, I do believe that it\'s time to leave when, like you did, you recognize that the situation (despite all the potential you saw in it) is only causing you pain. Often by that time, people are so enmeshed that it becomes hardest to leave right at the time when they need to leave the most. So what you\'ve done is INCREDIBLY difficult, the emotional equivalent to climbing Mount Everest. And just like mountain climbing, it takes an entire team and tons of professional input to reach the top, so I\'m so glad you\'re getting therapy, reaching out and talking about it. You are a champ! Focusing on the practical details like health, finances and housing is no joke but on the other hand, being kicked into \"survival\" mode can sometimes be a godsend since it shifts your focus away from him. Good luck to you on all of those fronts. Keep doing what you\'re doing, love yourself lots and lots, accept the turmoil (as you are doing) for now, because there will be lost of time later to mull over it all and gain clarity and peace. Canada is rooting for you. xo