Day 6
I have been blessed, truly on this journey so far. I am so lucky to have family and friends to help me, to have a crisis center that was able to see me the same day, and to have a faith in God that helps me when I am weak
There are so many people who are able to get out, people who do not have the help I am getting. I am still struggling, still having so many emotions, still unable to relax, to take care of the things that I need to do.
But . . . I am still gone.
His son started calling me last night, because he couldn't reach him on the phone. He lives 3 hours away and was worried. The son called me again today to see if I had heard from him. I hadn't. So I sent him a text asking if he was okay. No response. I let my anxiety and codependence get to me. I was envisioning him dead or dying or hurt or I don't know what. So I got in my car. I was just going to go over there & act like I was just getting some of my things, because he said I could come get stuff any time. I just was overwhelmed by the need to find out if he was all right.
I was 3 blocks away when his son called me to say he had talked to him. He told his son that he was lonely, but glad that it was over. He told his son he was okay.
Thank you God. Thank you. That's all good. I didn't go to his house. I haven't heard from him. I know he was alive at 1:30 today. That's good enough for now.
Tomorrow morning I have to leave the motel. I am going to be staying with my daughter & her husband in my old house. I own the house, but they rent it from me as I can't afford the payment. They moved in there with me 6 years ago. Long before I knew my SO. It will be weird living there again. The house is not big enough for all of us, plus now they have a one year old child.
I'm really hoping I can get an apartment this week. My mom has agreed to cosign on the rental applications for me as my income & credit are not good. I really need my own space to heal, to grow. I've been so lucky to have this nice motel room for these past days. It has helped a lot.
I feel like I should have accomplished more, but then I realize I have not gone back to him. I have found support from many areas. I have managed to calm my ass down a little bit. Heck, that's pretty good.
Better days ahead? Please
I AM SO TIRED
There are so many people who are able to get out, people who do not have the help I am getting. I am still struggling, still having so many emotions, still unable to relax, to take care of the things that I need to do.
But . . . I am still gone.
His son started calling me last night, because he couldn't reach him on the phone. He lives 3 hours away and was worried. The son called me again today to see if I had heard from him. I hadn't. So I sent him a text asking if he was okay. No response. I let my anxiety and codependence get to me. I was envisioning him dead or dying or hurt or I don't know what. So I got in my car. I was just going to go over there & act like I was just getting some of my things, because he said I could come get stuff any time. I just was overwhelmed by the need to find out if he was all right.
I was 3 blocks away when his son called me to say he had talked to him. He told his son that he was lonely, but glad that it was over. He told his son he was okay.
Thank you God. Thank you. That's all good. I didn't go to his house. I haven't heard from him. I know he was alive at 1:30 today. That's good enough for now.
Tomorrow morning I have to leave the motel. I am going to be staying with my daughter & her husband in my old house. I own the house, but they rent it from me as I can't afford the payment. They moved in there with me 6 years ago. Long before I knew my SO. It will be weird living there again. The house is not big enough for all of us, plus now they have a one year old child.
I'm really hoping I can get an apartment this week. My mom has agreed to cosign on the rental applications for me as my income & credit are not good. I really need my own space to heal, to grow. I've been so lucky to have this nice motel room for these past days. It has helped a lot.
I feel like I should have accomplished more, but then I realize I have not gone back to him. I have found support from many areas. I have managed to calm my ass down a little bit. Heck, that's pretty good.
Better days ahead? Please
I AM SO TIRED
Replies
Wish I could sleep. Wish I hadn\'t talked to his crazy ass tonight.
Hey Mstillstanding! Congratulations on day 6!! That is awesome! As one tired person to another...I so hear you! You have accomplished a huge thing...getting your life back! Take one step at a time. You dodged this drama bullet. Well done! Keep up the great work ...a new life awaits you!
Be really really really patient with yourself for the next little while... What you are doing right now is amazing -- and amazingly difficult. I think it\'s like healing from a bad accident. Have faith that your heart, mind and spirit WILL heal from this trauma -- but slowly. All you have to do is what you\'re doing: give them the space to heal in, away from the trauma-causing situation, and then wait. I hope you have a good day today. Hugs...
I am so proud of you. You have done a lot and what you have done is mentally and physically exhausting. Your body probably feels like you could rest and sleep for a year. It has been tense and on hyper alter for a long time. If you can take some times to get on your feet, do it. You survived the abuse. You WILL survive the recovery.