Freaking out
I'm such a mess. Such a mess. I left only 4 1/2 hours ago & I'm so sad, so scared, so f**ing freaked out.
I'm in a crappy motel 6 room. I wish I would have spent more for a better motel. It's scary cheap with scary people. Or maybe everything is just scary.
I talked with an intake work at the crisis center. She rated me as in "severe danger" even though he has never hit me. I have an appt. tomorrow with a counselor there. I told them that I think I will kill myself if I go back. I don't know why I said that. I already miss him so much. I just want his arms around me. I want him to tell me again he is sorry & that it will never happen again. Even if it is a lie, I want to hear it.
I know this is wrong. I know this is my addiction. I know I can & will feel better. My mind is just spinning. How can I get my stuff? Where can I live? How can I get enough money to survive? How can I ever feel good again?
I feel like I should at least text him to tell him I'm safe & I won't be back tonight. I know he will be angrier if I don't. I don't want him to worry about me. Now that is sick.
I sure hope this is rock bottom.
I'm in a crappy motel 6 room. I wish I would have spent more for a better motel. It's scary cheap with scary people. Or maybe everything is just scary.
I talked with an intake work at the crisis center. She rated me as in "severe danger" even though he has never hit me. I have an appt. tomorrow with a counselor there. I told them that I think I will kill myself if I go back. I don't know why I said that. I already miss him so much. I just want his arms around me. I want him to tell me again he is sorry & that it will never happen again. Even if it is a lie, I want to hear it.
I know this is wrong. I know this is my addiction. I know I can & will feel better. My mind is just spinning. How can I get my stuff? Where can I live? How can I get enough money to survive? How can I ever feel good again?
I feel like I should at least text him to tell him I'm safe & I won't be back tonight. I know he will be angrier if I don't. I don't want him to worry about me. Now that is sick.
I sure hope this is rock bottom.
Replies
So much to figure out. I have made it away, but what about my stuff? Where will I live? How can I support myself. One step at a time.
I am telling myself that these are the only things I must do:
don\'t go back tonight
not respond to any calls or texts from him tonight
eat something
not call my family or friends about this tonight
to sleep if possible tonight
call someone. call a friend, a family member, a crisis line. you shouldn\'t be alone right now.
I\'ve talked with one friend. She just listened & didn\'t judge. It helped to talk. I know this will take a while. I\'ve just got to be strong