another day
Yesterday was not a good day. I'm going to work on a better day today.
The truth is he is not a monster. He is like most human beings with good & bad qualities. His drinking brings out the monster and he knows this. So he is accepting that he will be unkind and does it anyway.
The truth is he would let me go. He would not physically hurt me if I said I was leaving. He would say horrible things about and to me. I would need to be able to handle that without buying into it. He can have a real nasty tongue.
The truth is most of my family and old friends would support me. His family & our (together) friends would not. But it's not about who thinks what about me. It's about what I need.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT I NEED
I need a safe home. A home where I can do what I want, when I want. I need to be able to eat, sleep and create as my heart tells me.
With him, it is always about what I can do that will not piss him off. For a peaceful co-existence, my job is to give him kudos & attention & gestures of love & adoration all the f**ing time. My job is to listen to drunken ramblings over & over again about things I've heard a thousand times.
I've become good at this job. I can tell him he is wonderful, while thinking "you asshole". This makes me feel like such a fake. But I'm going to look at this differently. I am doing what I need to do to keep myself safe. I don't mean he will physically abuse me if I don't play my part, but he will and has become verbally abusive when I don't play my part. Verbal abuse is terrifying to me, so "not safe".
I will give him less today. I will pull away. I will leave the room if/when the verbal abuse starts. I will leave the house if I need to.
I can find another place to live. I've left before. My concern is that I need to be strong enough, to not come back when I go. When I return after leaving him, I feel so ashamed, so weak, so deserving of the crap he gives me. I feel that I cannot do this to myself again. The next time HAS to be the last time.
The truth is he is not a monster. He is like most human beings with good & bad qualities. His drinking brings out the monster and he knows this. So he is accepting that he will be unkind and does it anyway.
The truth is he would let me go. He would not physically hurt me if I said I was leaving. He would say horrible things about and to me. I would need to be able to handle that without buying into it. He can have a real nasty tongue.
The truth is most of my family and old friends would support me. His family & our (together) friends would not. But it's not about who thinks what about me. It's about what I need.
IT'S ABOUT WHAT I NEED
I need a safe home. A home where I can do what I want, when I want. I need to be able to eat, sleep and create as my heart tells me.
With him, it is always about what I can do that will not piss him off. For a peaceful co-existence, my job is to give him kudos & attention & gestures of love & adoration all the f**ing time. My job is to listen to drunken ramblings over & over again about things I've heard a thousand times.
I've become good at this job. I can tell him he is wonderful, while thinking "you asshole". This makes me feel like such a fake. But I'm going to look at this differently. I am doing what I need to do to keep myself safe. I don't mean he will physically abuse me if I don't play my part, but he will and has become verbally abusive when I don't play my part. Verbal abuse is terrifying to me, so "not safe".
I will give him less today. I will pull away. I will leave the room if/when the verbal abuse starts. I will leave the house if I need to.
I can find another place to live. I've left before. My concern is that I need to be strong enough, to not come back when I go. When I return after leaving him, I feel so ashamed, so weak, so deserving of the crap he gives me. I feel that I cannot do this to myself again. The next time HAS to be the last time.
Replies
I\'m sorry you are going through this, must be a hard situation. I have no idea how to help you but I want you to know that we are here for you and will walk beside you during this journey. I think as time goes on and you are figuring out what it is you need to do, you will gain strength and wisdom to help you find your way. Good luck and be safe! Hugs.
I am SO rooting for you. You sound so ready to do what it takes! Google \"trauma bonding,\" it may help you understand what keeps you tied to him. Stay strong, we are behind you!
I\'m feeling well not happy, but sort of okay at this moment. He is sweet, kind & funny this morning. I\'m not looking at this as a change, just a glimpse of the man I fell in love with. I know it won\'t last, but I\'m not going to be sad about thateither. At least I\'m going to try. I will look at today as a gift.