I feel so alone...
I'm not in school because I had trouble securing a student loan, a semester away from graduating!
I am in debt because compulsive spending was the only thing that made me feel better for a while.
I'm having problems in my relationship because I can't articulate or form the words to explain how I feel. And when I do say how I feel, I feel like my boyfriend doesn't always listen.
My grandfather will be out of the hospital in a few days and released to be home under the care of hospice. He fell about 2 weeks ago and hit his head pretty hard. He's on a lot of powerful blood thinners because of his cancer and when he hit his head, they had trouble stopping the bleeding and had to do a minor brain surgery to relieve some of the cranial pressure. He's acting out because of the head trauma and we've all be worried about him. Since his surgery, he has been in the hospital and they've run more tests and found out his cancer has spread to his lungs and it is growing fast there. My mom flew out to Oklahoma Sunday and called yesterday to tell me she didn't think he was going to live much longer. She sent me a picture of him over mms and he doesn't look like the same man I know and love. You can tell he just isn't himself.
My great grandma just recently passed away at the end of January.
My PTSD is getting worse and I feel so numb. When I'm not numb I'm angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at anyone and everyone. I've had these really weird mood swings and I'm not sleeping at night. My emotions have been weirder than normal and I know that it is just because of stress but I can't calm myself down.
My brother is having surgery tomorrow to put in a super pubic catheter, sometime in the next few weeks he'll be having another surgery to do a urethral reconstruction. They might break his hip in the process of that surgery because of the H.O he has in his legs and hip. If they break his hip it will delay him being able to walk for another length of time. As it is now, he has 15 months to wait until they can do surgery on him to remove the H.O bone tissue from his legs and hip. Even then, they might still have to do a full hip replacement surgery.
I still feel like God is punishing me by causing my brother's accident. I know its irrational, I know its not my fault, and if anything God was punishing my brother in the accident but I can't convince my heart of that truth.
I want to die.
I feel like all I ever do is complain, but I just hurt so much. I know I need counseling, but I just don't want to admit to anyone, not even to myself that I need help. I wish I wasn't so stubborn.
I'm not in school because I had trouble securing a student loan, a semester away from graduating!
I am in debt because compulsive spending was the only thing that made me feel better for a while.
I'm having problems in my relationship because I can't articulate or form the words to explain how I feel. And when I do say how I feel, I feel like my boyfriend doesn't always listen.
My grandfather will be out of the hospital in a few days and released to be home under the care of hospice. He fell about 2 weeks ago and hit his head pretty hard. He's on a lot of powerful blood thinners because of his cancer and when he hit his head, they had trouble stopping the bleeding and had to do a minor brain surgery to relieve some of the cranial pressure. He's acting out because of the head trauma and we've all be worried about him. Since his surgery, he has been in the hospital and they've run more tests and found out his cancer has spread to his lungs and it is growing fast there. My mom flew out to Oklahoma Sunday and called yesterday to tell me she didn't think he was going to live much longer. She sent me a picture of him over mms and he doesn't look like the same man I know and love. You can tell he just isn't himself.
My great grandma just recently passed away at the end of January.
My PTSD is getting worse and I feel so numb. When I'm not numb I'm angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at anyone and everyone. I've had these really weird mood swings and I'm not sleeping at night. My emotions have been weirder than normal and I know that it is just because of stress but I can't calm myself down.
My brother is having surgery tomorrow to put in a super pubic catheter, sometime in the next few weeks he'll be having another surgery to do a urethral reconstruction. They might break his hip in the process of that surgery because of the H.O he has in his legs and hip. If they break his hip it will delay him being able to walk for another length of time. As it is now, he has 15 months to wait until they can do surgery on him to remove the H.O bone tissue from his legs and hip. Even then, they might still have to do a full hip replacement surgery.
I still feel like God is punishing me by causing my brother's accident. I know its irrational, I know its not my fault, and if anything God was punishing my brother in the accident but I can't convince my heart of that truth.
I want to die.
I feel like all I ever do is complain, but I just hurt so much. I know I need counseling, but I just don't want to admit to anyone, not even to myself that I need help. I wish I wasn't so stubborn.
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