Part of me wants to die. I am so unhappy and so miserable with my life right now and all I want is to be happy.
My financial aid is so messed up, my deadline to pay through setting up loans, grants, scholarships, etc, is Wednesday and I don't think my paperwork is going to clear in time for Wednesday, the deadline snuck up on me, and I've been un-enrolled from school. I've been waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, several times a night, and I know its ridiculous. Its not the end of the world if I don't go to school my last semester, I can always go back in the fall, but I just feel so much intense panic when i think about it. But I got a letter from my loan company today letting me know my deferral has started, and I have to start making payments in a year, which scares the shit out of me, because I haven't saved up enough to start paying it off. Was depending on my dad to help me out with payments, which he promised to do my Freshman year but were putting the house up for sale in February, so I don't know if thats going to happen anymore.
I feel like my life doesn't have a purpose right now... if my paperwork works out, I guess I'll be back in school which would be good, but if it doesn't I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so weird because if I do leave school I don't know where I'll go. The logical place to be is home, but there is way too much stress here, and its making me go insane. My boyfriend has offered me a place to stay and one of my best friends offered me a place to stay as well, I just don't want to put anyone out of the way. My boyfriend lives at home with his parents and my friend lives out of state.
My boyfriend spent the night with me at my apartment close to the school the other night, and I had a mental breakdown crying and was really emotional and just couldn't stop the overwhelming pain I felt. I don't know whats wrong with me, I feel like I'm falling a part and can't do anything right.