ANDY!!!
Oh Teri, and everyone, THANK YOU SO MUCH for making yesterday a great Andy Day. Andy's Peace Day, #3. Andy! Andy! Andy! It really was good.
I came home from church with pure fierce love and desire - don't get in my way kind of desire - to get my hands into the garden and stay there for as many hours as possible. It was BEAUTIFUL!
I planted and mowed and weeded like an octopus's gardener. :) And then Byron and Caitlin came over and we drank a lovely bottle of Pinot Noir blond with the fire on the patio. Byron put an envelope in the fire before we went inside to dinner... he writes a letter to Andy each year. I think it's an excellent way for his feelings to find a channel and flow.
We had bratwursts and seedy mustard and crusty bread and salad and broccoli and blueberry-rhubarb crisp and another bottle of wine and such warm loving talk. We talked about how GRIEF IS JUSTICE... the heart will never be finished with finding and expressing justice for a life taken too soon... as long as the heart loves, and remembers, and looks for ways to express love, justice continues to be served. The injustice seeks redress and balance, and only through LOVE can we even hope to make things fair or right. And as you know, when it comes to Andy, the love is infinite. :)
Byron said he was at peace, and I said I am too. We agreed that technically speaking we still do not 'accept' the unacceptable, but we are getting used to living with it and finding peace with this unacceptable truth in our journeys. He said that he was beginning to let go of things, actual things like mugs or old shirts. He said that he was maybe transitioning to thinking of Andy in terms of VERBS more than NOUNS. So we are DOING things, rather than OWNING or HAVING or HANGING ON to things. We are gardening, cooking, volunteering, thinking, sharing, laughing, singing, hugging, oh hell yeah LOVING people and we DO these things with Andy in our hearts. That is justice. That is LOVE in motion.
Thank you again for everything. Your love has helped me to find this pathway of love and gratitude.
Peace and infinite compassion for the life of love and loss.
xox Sarah
I came home from church with pure fierce love and desire - don't get in my way kind of desire - to get my hands into the garden and stay there for as many hours as possible. It was BEAUTIFUL!
I planted and mowed and weeded like an octopus's gardener. :) And then Byron and Caitlin came over and we drank a lovely bottle of Pinot Noir blond with the fire on the patio. Byron put an envelope in the fire before we went inside to dinner... he writes a letter to Andy each year. I think it's an excellent way for his feelings to find a channel and flow.
We had bratwursts and seedy mustard and crusty bread and salad and broccoli and blueberry-rhubarb crisp and another bottle of wine and such warm loving talk. We talked about how GRIEF IS JUSTICE... the heart will never be finished with finding and expressing justice for a life taken too soon... as long as the heart loves, and remembers, and looks for ways to express love, justice continues to be served. The injustice seeks redress and balance, and only through LOVE can we even hope to make things fair or right. And as you know, when it comes to Andy, the love is infinite. :)
Byron said he was at peace, and I said I am too. We agreed that technically speaking we still do not 'accept' the unacceptable, but we are getting used to living with it and finding peace with this unacceptable truth in our journeys. He said that he was beginning to let go of things, actual things like mugs or old shirts. He said that he was maybe transitioning to thinking of Andy in terms of VERBS more than NOUNS. So we are DOING things, rather than OWNING or HAVING or HANGING ON to things. We are gardening, cooking, volunteering, thinking, sharing, laughing, singing, hugging, oh hell yeah LOVING people and we DO these things with Andy in our hearts. That is justice. That is LOVE in motion.
Thank you again for everything. Your love has helped me to find this pathway of love and gratitude.
Peace and infinite compassion for the life of love and loss.
xox Sarah
Replies
Thank you Sarah. It is so good to hear about how you and Byron have been able to feel that way, And for Byron to have Caitlin is very lovely too. I loved hearing about how you all spent \'Andy\'s Peace Day #3\', and about how you have come to feel about this \'life of love & loss\' . Thank you for writing for us all here. Ive certainly been thinking about you, all for Andy xxxxx
As I sit here munching on my green leafy salad I\'m wishing it were a brat and this bottle of water was a nice glass on Pinot Noir.... But more importantly I\'m thinking, absorbing this victory, this \"Peace day\", this \"Grief justice\", and this infinite Andy love!
I feel on fire myself, and eager to do, to be active, in MY life; and not just making sure the world remembers Kala.....but making sure I live a life worthy of being remembered as well. An amazing victory considering 6 years ago I wasn\'t sure I wanted to remain on earth.
I am so happy and grateful the day turned out as it did and you were able to both lose yourself and find yourself in your gardening chores! And to have Byron and Caitlin and your sweet hubby share in easy, intimate, meaning conversation of the heart....well, it just doesn\'t get any better than that!
I have to admit I looked sideways at the words GRIEF JUSTICE....but I get it! That\'s why I \"shout\" Kala\'s name by owning and wearing about 50 t-shirts with her photo and name on them! That\'s why I give out 10-20 \"Kala\" cards each week! It\'s my way of sharing the infinite love which is Kala. And yet, I\'ve just recently found myself looking through those stacks of t-shirts thinking it\'s too much....and not feeling the same drive, the same NEED to wear these shirts every single day of my life...as I\'ve nearly done for 6+years. It\'s OK to wear \"regular\" clothes!! AND it\'s OK to start throwing away some of the older, worn out shirts! They are wonderful, and have served a wonderful purpose, and I will continue to wear some...when I need or want to....but my wardrobe can consist of other things. I share Kala when I share LOVE energy! Even if her name never gets mentioned....which admittedly would be a sad day for me....but so long as LOVE is being shared, Kala is a part of it. She, like Andy and all our kids LIVE IN LOVE.
You continue to bless my life Sarah and I an eternally grateful for the lessons I\'ve learned through your sharing and loving and through your amazing ANDY!
May I forever be a mindful that \"Love is all that matters\" and I am to be \"LOVE IN MOTION\"!
Tight hugs of gratitude~~I LOVE YOU! Teri
Fascinating how time changes us... that is about all I can say since such poetry has already said it all.
Much love and the wonder of it all,
Leda
Beautiful posting... I liked how you compared grief and justice. It helped me.
Sarah reading your words of Peace and comfort warmed my heart. Each month I feel more at ease with this unnatural life of a mother that has lost a child and can relate to your words.
Tight hugs,
Terry
What a wonderful way to honor Andy. I am sure he was with you.
Hugs, Marlene
I,am so happy you had such a wonderful day in honor of your beautiful son..
A fiercely beautiful and sensual day is what I feel as I read this. Everything felt with each of your senses so very deeply and that is what Andy is.
Andy is a verb, is in motion and nothing more beautifully describes this than your evening with him.
Appreciate your sharing dear Sarah where you\'re finding yourselves on this 3rd Andy peace day. :)
Loving care to those wild and wonderful hearts of yours filled with succulence and so much JUICE... Andy IS in all that you do and all that you are.
Love to all and abundant peace,
XO Joanie
Oh Sarah, you\'ve been on my mind lately. Mike\'s day is Wed, the 22nd. I knew Andy was close by. What a lovely way you chose to honor him, doing the things you love most. Byron\'s yearly letter is such a wonderful way for a
brother to process his feelings--kind of like taking a yearly inventory, perhaps-- I know Andy was close by, giving you unseen hugs and blowing peaceful breezes in your faces... Yelling at the top of his lungs, I LOVE THESE PEOPLE !!!!!!!
Much love and hugs,
Cherie
brother to make the effort to
So good to read, and I love the verb, not the noun! So clear! Just love you Sarah and am so glad you are active, and eating well, and surrounded by love and understanding. Abby
Hi Sarah and thank you for a wonderful journal entry. I so love reading it. For myself, I find that acceptance is where I am at these days. It is hard for us to watch our other children try to find their way with acceptance of the death of their beloved sibling.
Peace.
Sarah, such a lovely way to keep Andy close by..Love and peace, Linda
There\'s such peace in gardening. Love how Andy was gently with you. Hugs to you and Andy...
Debbie
Hi Sarah, I\'m late reading this, but do agree with so much of what you wrote...Yes. where is \"justice\" to be found when a young soul dies?...I (like many) do think that physical death just opens the doorway to true life and real living...The deceased do not \"hold onto\" anything material when they transition...maybe we that are left shouldn\'t either???
When first bereaved, I held as tightly as possible onto EVERYTHING I could and even tried hanging onto what I couldn\'t...like refusing to let them \"go\" even thought they\'d already gone...Gradually they \"came back\" to me as I truly relinquished my stranglehold grip on them. By freeing them...I actually freed myself...The newly departed tunnel vision, allowed for a Cinemascope type of vision instead of a myopic kind! Paradoxically, I could see \"the big picture\"...when looking very closely... after more time on the journey took place.
Have a wonder-FULL summer! Love, Donna