Another VERY INTERESTING reflection from someone who speaks of grief.
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...How can anyone find language for such a multi-faceted journey? There are still many ups and downs throughout the process, and all the varying emotions of grief swirl throughout these “5 stages of grief.” However this is how it feels to me standing on the cusp of five years and looking back.
1.Robot mode – Socially functional, I went through the business of life but internally I was completely numb and somewhat clueless to what just happened. Robot mode lasted roughly 4-6 months.
2.Cave woman mode – I holed up inside myself and rarely engaged the outside world in any deep and meaningful way. I did what I needed to in order to survive and shut the world out the rest of the time. Although I was telling myself and indicating to the world that I was conquering this thing called grief. This way of being lasted almost 2 years following John’s death.
3.Grief hits the fan – About the time I’d convinced myself and the world I was doing a wonderful job of recovering, I found myself in an Olympic-sized pool trying to keep 52 beach balls completely submerged. The grief hits the fan stage hit around the end of year 2 and lasted until I gave up and realize I’d never keep the beach balls down. (Perhaps the overachiever in me took longer than some.) Eventually, I started to swim around with my beach balls, and somehow they gradually lead me into stage four.
4.Creating my healing – Utter desperation led to the point where I had to find some creative outlet to work out my pain. I started writing poetry and did photography. I have friends who used quilting, scrapbooking, and gardening as creative outlets.
5.Finding the new normal – this is when the bereaved feels fully engaged in the new season of their lives. When I first heard a therapist say this happens 5 to 7 years after a significant death, I scoffed. Well I was in the conquering cave woman mode, but it turns out the therapist knew what she was talking about. New normal doesn’t mean that grief is completely done and over. It just means you’ve incorporated it into the story of your life. I’ve heard it said, you live with the hole in your heart but it no longer is sucking energy and joy out of your life and therefore is no longer your focus. I’m starting to feel like I am there.So how would your 5 stages of grief correlate with these? Perhaps you see some similarities or perhaps your journey is completely different. Every journey is unique because every individual is unique. Care to share your experience with us? Or offer reflections on my 5 stages of grief? Your experience is just as valid as mine.
Copyright www.journey-through-grief.com
Seasons of Solace from author Janelle Shantz Hertzler.
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Really interesting to me. If I had to choose I'd say I'm currently 'creating my healing'. I am thinking about zig-zagging in my career to something in the area of human healing. The power of change. Stay tuned. :o)
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...How can anyone find language for such a multi-faceted journey? There are still many ups and downs throughout the process, and all the varying emotions of grief swirl throughout these “5 stages of grief.” However this is how it feels to me standing on the cusp of five years and looking back.
1.Robot mode – Socially functional, I went through the business of life but internally I was completely numb and somewhat clueless to what just happened. Robot mode lasted roughly 4-6 months.
2.Cave woman mode – I holed up inside myself and rarely engaged the outside world in any deep and meaningful way. I did what I needed to in order to survive and shut the world out the rest of the time. Although I was telling myself and indicating to the world that I was conquering this thing called grief. This way of being lasted almost 2 years following John’s death.
3.Grief hits the fan – About the time I’d convinced myself and the world I was doing a wonderful job of recovering, I found myself in an Olympic-sized pool trying to keep 52 beach balls completely submerged. The grief hits the fan stage hit around the end of year 2 and lasted until I gave up and realize I’d never keep the beach balls down. (Perhaps the overachiever in me took longer than some.) Eventually, I started to swim around with my beach balls, and somehow they gradually lead me into stage four.
4.Creating my healing – Utter desperation led to the point where I had to find some creative outlet to work out my pain. I started writing poetry and did photography. I have friends who used quilting, scrapbooking, and gardening as creative outlets.
5.Finding the new normal – this is when the bereaved feels fully engaged in the new season of their lives. When I first heard a therapist say this happens 5 to 7 years after a significant death, I scoffed. Well I was in the conquering cave woman mode, but it turns out the therapist knew what she was talking about. New normal doesn’t mean that grief is completely done and over. It just means you’ve incorporated it into the story of your life. I’ve heard it said, you live with the hole in your heart but it no longer is sucking energy and joy out of your life and therefore is no longer your focus. I’m starting to feel like I am there.So how would your 5 stages of grief correlate with these? Perhaps you see some similarities or perhaps your journey is completely different. Every journey is unique because every individual is unique. Care to share your experience with us? Or offer reflections on my 5 stages of grief? Your experience is just as valid as mine.
Copyright www.journey-through-grief.com
Seasons of Solace from author Janelle Shantz Hertzler.
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Really interesting to me. If I had to choose I'd say I'm currently 'creating my healing'. I am thinking about zig-zagging in my career to something in the area of human healing. The power of change. Stay tuned. :o)
Replies
Hmmm...I think I match up with these stages pretty closely! Thank you Sarah for sharing this...
As always, wonderful Sarah, you have shared something of much value. I\'m with you ~ I\'d say I\'m in the \"creating my healing\" part ~ I\'ve learned to dodge those gigantic beach balls pretty well, except for, you know, those occasions ...
Sending lots of love your way ~ with a special shout out to that precious Andy ~ Debbie
This is a really interesting perspective and helped me review where I am. I feel I am still in robot mode and cave woman. To the outside world I appear to be coping so well but I know I have retreated into my world of pain and am existing not living I am becoming increasingly isolated and don\'t enjoy spending time with friends and I wonder if it is because I have changed.
The only thing that makes me happy is spending time alone with my dog out in nature. Everything else is just existing. Looking forward to the healing phase to begin.
Thanks for posting. Love. Anne
I see the separate-ness of each of these steps, and I also see that they have often inner-twined as I\'ve made my way along these past 5 years. I knew immediately....well, as immediately as possible while still in \"robot stage\"....that I HAD to and that I WOULD somehow get to a new normal. I wasn\'t calling it that at the time...had never heard those words before...but was somehow, naturally propelled, somehow, deep in my spirit I just knew, a new normal was where I was heading. Maybe I flip flopped back and forth several times between the stages because I sought \"new normal\" too soon?? hmmmm....
Just a reminder, and to share with any newer moms....the \"rainbow\" icon we have is ALL MINE! Well, not really, but here\'s the story... During a time in my grief when I was writing journals telling everyone my life no longer had color, when I was so depressed and missing Kala SO much, Kala said you me, \"Mom, you have to make your own colors\"....I got the message and wrote a journal about it and started allowing color back into my world....the color that was already there (Roger, Torrey, Tammy, all of you) and the new colors I created (my \"conscious grief rituals\" like wearing Kala shirts and sharing her with complete strangers). Then about a week later DS had added a new icon...yep, our rainbow!!! Blew me away, and that\'s why I send rainbows more than any other. So, \"creating\" color in my world became my foundation from which I have been able to live a new normal this year more so than any other. Yes, the pain is still here...right here in the deepest part of my being....right here just under the surface....but LIFE, Teri\'s life, IS being lived!
Thanks for sharing this Sarah. You always share the most healing, thoughtful, and enlightening messages with us!
Thank goodness that people who are living through, with and into their grief write articles such as this. I find comfort in the words because there have been so many times that I felt as if I was \"betwist\" and \"between.\"
I was in the cave woman mode for a very long, long time and still need my darkness and quiet. One thing that I have discovered about myself on this 4+ path is that I long and yearn for my tuck myself in times. My cave woman invites me in and I can be quite content to remain \"buttoned up\" for extended periods of time still. It is my filling up time and one that I must have or I\'m running and existing on fumes and that is not healthy for me or those I am in relationship with.
Creating my new normal is something I can resist as I dig in my heels and simply do not want to! Wishing my life not to look as it does yet this is what my life is right now and so incorportating, integrating... all of it is in the mix. Discovering peace and some joy filled moments in the midst yet oh, the longing for my Douglas is infused in the every tiny cell and even in the synapses.
In gratitude for the golden nuggets of wisdom and simply knowing that I am not alone brings me comfort on this most uncomfortable trek.
Loving care to you dear Sarah and all my sisters of the heart. Thank you for sharing what speaks to your heart as it speaks to mine as well.
XO Joanie
As with other more or less \'linear\' descriptions of pathways in pain and loss, I think most of us will say that we have done zig-zags and loop-dee-loo\'s. Maybe it can feel discouraging to loop back to the cave, but as you said Joanie maybe it can be a place of quiet or comfort or a place to just rest. Having ventured into the sunlight to sense even the possibility of creative healing, and having caught a glimpse of the \'new normal\' which for me will definitely include Mr. Andy Everywhere :o), I am ok with *now*.
Thank you Sarah for sharing. I appreciate the stages! - it helps put my moods and feelings in perspective. I was in the robot stage for longer than I knew. I didn\'t realize it but I can remember going to work and going through the motions but totally detached. Now, I am trying to create a new normal. I have decided to quit work completely. I want to devote my time to volunteer and community work.
I have used work as a distraction - keeping the balloons down kept me from focusing on the horror. I also began doing crossword puzzles soon after Lisa died. It was one thing that could make me focus on something other than Lisa\'s death.
I still visit the cave from time to time, when life gets too stressful. I revisit each stage from time to time but I know that the visit is only temporary.
I have had a lot of losses since losing Lisa so I have done a lot of zig-zagging. I equate grieving with a roller coaster ride. I love the term \'loop-dee-loos\'. On some days I don\'t know if I am up or down. But the ride is not as scary and discomobulating as it was. In my healing, I am slowly participating in life and friendships. When I am with friends, I am now really there.
I spend more time creating my healing and finding a new normal. But that huge hole will always be there - it too is part of the new normal.
Thanks again Sarah. I hope you are having a great week!
Love and hugs, Marlene
It\'s good to have new words for our changes. Easier to think about it this way. I am taking more \"cave\" time, too. And I am studying Torah again. The Old Testament draws me into the history and life of my people, so many years ago.
Telling new people the \"old\" news is so difficult, their surprise and sadness adds to my own. Now I am sorry that I don\'t have more contact with Jake\'s children, whom he loved so passionately. Hoping that, with time, they will search us out and maybe even visit in the future. W has offered to buy their tickets. love ya, Abby
Thank you Sarah. That was interesting. I\'m not sure how to express what I am in after 12 years...deep blankness/ separation from meaning but still having fragile belief. I do often try to describe how I feel but I rarely can. I\'m looking forward to hearing more about your \'zig zagging\' towards \'human healing\'... Great to see a journal from you again. Thanks xxx Love from Kriss xxx
This is very helpful Sarah. It puts a name to some of what I have been feeling. Three years now since Eddie left this world...so long yet so brief in the big picture...I am looking forward to creating my healing. I feel like its begun. Love to you and Andy, Linda
Each day is still a challenge to be the kind of person I once was. I think I am losing this battle though but in some ways I might be a better person and in others I am really bad. Still relate it to a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs, the turns, the stops. Some days I\'m a marshmallow and some days I\'m a rock. Make sense, probably not, but that\'s me.
I like this article. Sometimes I am still in the pool, other times I am healing. I use the gym for my outlet. This I can do get rid of stress, find friends and just BE. Exhausted I feel so much better, it is like getting everything off ones chest and/or shoulders.
Keep finding these ways to educate us it is very much appreciated.
Hugs Penny
Totally I can relate to these descriptions. I was in cave mode a very long time and moved to some creativity by throwing myself into ancestry.com...still a passtime that let me be alone as I was still not ready to socialize. With my new job now, I am seeing the world in such a different way and ready to interact with others who on are their own life journeys. My job is also creative (a requirement for me to feel alive) so that also helps.
We all journey through life in our own ways, but this line of thinking about grief fits much of what I have done since losing Vanessa.
Thanks for putting this out there for me to contemplate...you are so good at that! Love, Amber