What a long hot beautiful strange sad summer. :"} In a nutshell.
We had the trip to Scotland in June, and Andy's birthday and a wedding in July, and in August Heidi's visit, another wedding, and three deaths -- Soos, my neighbor Becky, and now the son of my friend Mary Louise. I have been working almost full time, and I know I sound like a broken (old-fashioned, too!) record but that is more than is good for me. I feel like I have emotional jet lag, much of the time. I'm all who, where, why, what? In other words, trying to remember what it is that feels so emotionally intense.
And sometimes I even wonder if I am becoming a little bit inured to sorrow. A little protective shell, perhaps? A little bit of coping mechanism? I go to work and crank it out like a kung fu fighter... chah! hah! whah! Putting out fires, getting the projects done with efficiency and power like never before in my life. Staying on top of it all. Then a little moment comes along that at one time would have undone me... someone asks about my license plate, or how my kids are doing... and I am NOT undone! I say I'm sorry to say that my son Andy died a year ago in the spring, from brain cancer, like Ted Kennedy, and people deal with it mostly appropriately and sympathetically. I do not come undone. We talk about how it sucks that kids who die are so robbed, and how we will miss them forever. We talk about how it changes everything, in that instant.
The other thing that has taken a little time recently but been very warming is a group on Facebook for those of us who lost a loved one to brain tumors. And a few whose loved one is still alive. There's a powerful sisterhood there. Maybe as many women as men get brain cancer, but it tends to be the women caregivers, 9 to 1, who reach out to find sanctuary and support in online communities. So we chat and laugh and share the day and the reflections. All of these things help to integrate the big sad change into my New Life... the new person I am.
The small mother's group that I joined here, in real life in Maine, seems to have a mission like FMO -- although less formal and organized. They heard about my neighbor Becky and asked if I knew her and said we might be able to help Janice, if she's interested. Reaching out... offering love and compassion... from others who've been there... it is indeed a good good thing.
Where's Andy, in all of this? (My minister Erik used to say when we were discussing church business and fundraising and governance, "Where God in all of this?") I think about him. Music. Bass guitar. Cooking. Laughter. Rage. Chaos. Passion. Speed. Strength. Heartbreak. Loss.
Andy I wish you could taste the balsamic fig dressing I've figured out how to make. I wish you were living in California and coming to see me in a few weeks and we'd both be looking forward to it so much. The dogs would go nuts with happiness. I wish you would come give me a hug and visit in dream space. I love you bunny.
We had the trip to Scotland in June, and Andy's birthday and a wedding in July, and in August Heidi's visit, another wedding, and three deaths -- Soos, my neighbor Becky, and now the son of my friend Mary Louise. I have been working almost full time, and I know I sound like a broken (old-fashioned, too!) record but that is more than is good for me. I feel like I have emotional jet lag, much of the time. I'm all who, where, why, what? In other words, trying to remember what it is that feels so emotionally intense.
And sometimes I even wonder if I am becoming a little bit inured to sorrow. A little protective shell, perhaps? A little bit of coping mechanism? I go to work and crank it out like a kung fu fighter... chah! hah! whah! Putting out fires, getting the projects done with efficiency and power like never before in my life. Staying on top of it all. Then a little moment comes along that at one time would have undone me... someone asks about my license plate, or how my kids are doing... and I am NOT undone! I say I'm sorry to say that my son Andy died a year ago in the spring, from brain cancer, like Ted Kennedy, and people deal with it mostly appropriately and sympathetically. I do not come undone. We talk about how it sucks that kids who die are so robbed, and how we will miss them forever. We talk about how it changes everything, in that instant.
The other thing that has taken a little time recently but been very warming is a group on Facebook for those of us who lost a loved one to brain tumors. And a few whose loved one is still alive. There's a powerful sisterhood there. Maybe as many women as men get brain cancer, but it tends to be the women caregivers, 9 to 1, who reach out to find sanctuary and support in online communities. So we chat and laugh and share the day and the reflections. All of these things help to integrate the big sad change into my New Life... the new person I am.
The small mother's group that I joined here, in real life in Maine, seems to have a mission like FMO -- although less formal and organized. They heard about my neighbor Becky and asked if I knew her and said we might be able to help Janice, if she's interested. Reaching out... offering love and compassion... from others who've been there... it is indeed a good good thing.
Where's Andy, in all of this? (My minister Erik used to say when we were discussing church business and fundraising and governance, "Where God in all of this?") I think about him. Music. Bass guitar. Cooking. Laughter. Rage. Chaos. Passion. Speed. Strength. Heartbreak. Loss.
Andy I wish you could taste the balsamic fig dressing I've figured out how to make. I wish you were living in California and coming to see me in a few weeks and we'd both be looking forward to it so much. The dogs would go nuts with happiness. I wish you would come give me a hug and visit in dream space. I love you bunny.
Replies
We travel a long, hard journey. Thank heavens we have each other!!! Love and hugs...Lynn
What a lovely journal. Sounds like you are doing great but don\'t forget to allow some \'me\' time where you can take a break from being superwoman and take care of that special woman who is you. You are an inspiration. Love Anne
I am glad to hear your energetic voice coming through all the busyness...good to hear all the support and compassion that surrounds you, as well....and that you reach out through it all to help others...and find time to make balsamic fig dressing...sounds yummy......love and hugs ....dale, brandon\'s mom
Sarah ... it offers my heart a warmth of peace when i think of you, knowing you receive compassion through someone asking about your NOON plate or about your kids, and the depth of support from your family, your friends, your FMO family, your FB brain tumor sisterhood, your small M.O.M. (Mothers Of Maine) group, etc.
\"Where\'s Andy, in all of this?\" .... hmmm ... i cannot help but read your words and see how Andy IS in ALL of it....
love ... please add mine to that long list of your admirers
You are finding support and supporting... the only way that I have found to heal on this path. So many life events for you dear Sarah, and I understand what you are describing about not losing it when those questions are asked... yet there may be times when you will be and that\'s as it needs to be too. I hear you on missing the simple pleasures and just have to believe that Andy is in the midst of it all... front row and center always. Perhaps at times in the wings yet not for long.
Savor the summertime moments of fullness before the autumn begins with the sheddding and releasing that it calls forth. The trees have their life cycles and we have ours. Learning to embrace it all is always what I feel around you when I read your journals. In gratitude to you! Much love, Joanie
Sarah, isn\'t it true that all these journeys we are given are so foreign to us, and then they become almost the norm because there are so many. We\'ve had a slew of deaths in the last couple years, several big weddings in the family with another on Nov. 26, (my mother\'s birthday), and shocking deaths of younger people......it\'s amazing....I wrote about it in my journal a day or two ago...\"The Intimacy of Death\". And here we all are, banded together, ready to come in like the calvary when needed. It is a special bonding, and your other group sounds great; a great work. Good luck with that. I had a therapist many years ago whom I asked the question, \"Why do you use your evenings to volunteer to do this?\" He told me it was how he worked through his pain, by helping others in pain. This was a very wise man; best therapist I\'ve ever known. A professor of psychology during the day. I loved him so much. And he died of lung cancer. I had just started seeing him again two weeks before that, and he never said a word about his illness, and look fine. And he told me things in that session that were so helpful to me and have been all through the years. And then I opened the paper and saw his name in the obituaries. Life just twists and turns all over the place, doesn\'t it? Ride on....God has much in store for us.
XO
Becky
Wishing and Hoping and Planning and Dreaming........perhaps - in another space and time - twisting and turning through the vast murkiness of our lives can deposit us at the door to so many unknown adventures - it does get scary at times. Somedays we fly on a zipline and others we\'re stuck in the quicksand. I must have missed that \"detour\" sign - since I seem to have lost my way, momentarily. A \"butterfly\" kiss from my angel would probably make everything a whole lot brighter. Wishing and Hoping....Love Suzzanne
I\'m so glad the pain is diminishing. The longing and love will not, but the pain must! We have to live still and love other people. It\'s the way of the world. Do give us the receipe for your fig dressing, sounds delicious. Our charms will just have to be given to others, as Andy and Jake are not here to take them.
Hi Sarah, I have no doubt Andy is in the midst of it all. The strength and the sorrow. You do sound as if you are doing well generally and there is nothing wrong with that! Continued growth and healing. Love to you and Andy, Linda
You are one busy lady but I know how fragile one can become at any given time so I hope you te care of \"you\". This grief stuff is alot of work some days and the missing will continue, but we do heal. It sounds like you are getting into some normalacy and finding great support in your community and on line. Many prayers for continued strength and lots of love friend. Robin
Dear Sarah---your words give me much thought-- and courage. Thank you so much for sharing a part of your life, as it is, now.
love, Margery Ann
It feels good to help someone else. It is the love for our children that has led us here. Andy is steering you to do something that makes you feel better and help you heal.
Hugs Penny
Your words affirm the exquisite beauty of spirit. We stand witness to random chaos unfolding in perfect order. This is no easy ride, but somehow in each holy instant we connect with the source, we \"lighten up\", we regroup, and we receive the healing we so deserve.
Sara, your profound loss is still so recent. You are inspiring, and courageous, and I know how deeply you miss your precious Andy.
Our sons each lost their lives to different, and devastating disease. It does change who we are. I am so grateful for the opportunity to walk alongside such powerful women.
Love and light, Rebecca
ps I have a suspicion that Andy had a hand in the making of the balsamic fig dressing.
Your journal is so deep, so elegant, so descriptive, so elegiac....life is a great mystery.....love IS all....
Sarah, your journals are always so interesting to read! I love how you describe things!
You certainly have been a very busy lady. I know when I have reached my \"maximum output level\" because I seem to have no \"reserve\" at that time...I get sad MUCH more easily...
As far as being possibly a bit inured to sorrow--it sounds like what happened to me when I started to finally get that \"emotional callous\"/scab covering that is \"thickening\" a bit--as part of the healing process.
It seemed to me to be a buffer against stimuli that formerly would have caused me an instant knee/jerk type of heart pain.
Constant exposure over the years to triggers caused me a MUCH lessened sensitivity to them--thankfully! Just knowing what they WERE was a help because very early on, much of the pain was heightened by becoming suddenly, surprisingly (and painfully) AWARE of said trigger!
And about the balsamic fig dressing...my sil gave us a gift before she left our home after a recent visit. I ripped off the gift wrap to find an extremely tall, slender bottle which had absolutely no identifying label on it! She was a little surprised/embarrassed the label wasn\'t wrapped up in the gift wrap somehow, as it obviously had fallen off...a mystery bottle...
She told us it was \"Balsamic Fig Dressing\" that she adores...guess that must be very popular and I\'m going to have to try that soon!
Love+Big Hugs,
Donna