I find it so hard to get through the day without feeling anxious or worried or guilty about something...issues today are that I spent about $140 today, on clothes and a dvd. I rarely shop for clothes at all. I'm not the smallest person and i just hate clothes shopping. But today I just felt like doing it. I don't know why... I had some spare money (And yes I know it's close to Christmas but I get paid again before Christmas is here and we already have some presents bought). But I let it slip to my mum what I spent and she's like did ya rob a bank or something. Which makes me feel guilty. I never tell her the amounts we spend on things or about half the stuff we buy. But it just slipped out this time. She wasn't upset per say but I could hear the tone in her voice change. I feel bad cos she has like no money, because of debt she has gotten her self into with manic spending and some other things. We have lent her money numerous times for stuff. But sometimes when she has asked I haven't had it to give. And I'm just scared she will get all annoyed becasue I just spent money and there was a time a few weeks ago I could only help her out with a small amout because that pay I just didn't have it spare. I feel bad and frustrated because honostly it 's my money that i go to work at a job I hate to earn so I should be able to blow some of it on clothes (that I need, all mine at the moment are old and worn or second hand from sister in law to be) and a dvd i bought because it was on sale. I just feel like because it was the bipolar that caused my mum all these problems and not really her fault that i shouldn't enjoy what I have because I'm doing better finacially then she is (not that much mind you) but we are okay. We have enoguh to cover all bills (sometimes it's a stretch) depending on the month and buy ourselves a few bits here and there.
Another thing that had me in a tiz was on my way home from this shopping trip as I was pulling up to traffic lights an unmarked police car near ran me off the road. This set of lights turns from one lane into two where you sit if you want to turn left or right. Three cars infront of me were over as if they were turning left. I went to slowly move past them to get in the right lane (I was the first car there) when the last car in the left lane jerked out infront of me suddnley. I was only moving slow thank goodness and i jamed on my break and had to turn my car sliglty to avoid hitting it. The guy stopped looked at me then roared off infront of me, around the other cars turning left and then put his siren and lights on (Which is the only reason I knew he was a cop). It had me frazzled becasue I felt like i had done the wrong thing, but i was just moving to the right as that was the way i was turning. He was a cop yeah, but why not put the lights on then drive out in front of me...and at least look first, cos being a cop doesnt mean other cars wont be going about their business and you can just move without looking. I'm so glad he dove off left around the cars waitng at the lights (I guess he got called to something)...but I felt and still do nervous cos I don't want it to come back on me. I know I didn't do anything wrong it just happened that way. And he went off to where he was gong and didn't stop me so it's not like i can get i rouble now. But it atill bugs me. This is why I am reluctant to leave the house on my own. Sigh.
I think my paranoia is getting worse.