Feeling really sad tonight. Overwhelmed and angry and anxious. Mum is starting to sound out of it again...could be nothing. hope to God it is. I am just sick of the cycles. The mood changes. Her money issues. Her forgetting. Her going manic and or psychotic. Of feeling so scared and worried. Of not being able to function normally. Of feeling helpless because I can't do anything to stop all this. Of my own horrible money problems. Of my job where they make me feel so stupid and incompetent. Of thinking that this is how it will always be with mum, going around and around. That I really can't take it anymore. But who else will look after her. Hoping so much mum will be ok that this isn't the start of her cycling again.
I am so very grateful for my fiance, he is the best thing in my life and the only thing holding me together right now.
 
I am trying so hard to believe things will be ok. Trying so hard to live my life, when a lot of the time I just want to crumple into a ball and not get up. But i have to keep going and try to get at least some of the work around the house done. Go to work 2 days a week, which is hard enough in it's self without the constant worry that something else will happen with my mum.
 
I'm scared, that this is it. Forever.