I don't know what to think at all right now...mum seems fine when I talk to her on the phone, but my sister has told me that she has been late to work all week, even though she has been awake and ready. That she is laughing at nothing, a sign of her going into mania...I'm scared. I don't want to do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I talked to mum and she seems fine...I told my sister she is going have to bring it up to mum because I'm not there I only know because my sister rings me. So she is meant to do it when she gets home. I hope it doesn’t' make things worse. but if mum keeps being late, that's not good.
I kinda wish my sister wouldn't ring all the time telling me all these little bits, it makes me so beyond stressed, but I can't tell her not to. it's not fair on her.
What do I do...
I pray and it just keeps going the same.
I try to pretend things are ok and force myself to go on with life and things seem to get worse.
I get so depressed can barley pull myself out of bed...and then sometimes things seem ok...but then they go to hell again.
It's like as soon as the universe sees me relax or have some happiness things go bad.
So now I'm at the pint I'm to scare to be happy.
I read that book 'The secret' ages ago. And I'm trying to read it again, but the idea of it scares me it's too hard. That to get the things you want you have to remain positive about them. Put that positive energy into the universe.
So when there are times I am just so beyond depressed I can't muster a good thought I get even more worked up that my negative thoughts are going to make things worse.
And the times I can actually pull myself out of the hole and try to be positive things actually seem to get worse. Really.
So now I don't know what to do. Are my thoughts making things worse, is good bringing bad, is bad bringing good, is bad bringiing bad is good bringing bad.
Is not thinking or willing anything better...that scares me the worse...that things are really completely ou of my control...I really don't like the idea of fate. Of letting go...I'm very Team free will.
What happens if I le go and things go from bad to worse (although it's freaking bad enough as it is).
With that said everytime I think things are BAD they get VERY BAD. A bad that you would never expect.
I'm sure anyone reading this must think I'm crazy...no wonder I'm exhausted all the time. How could I not with all this going on in my head.
I tied counselling...doesn't really help. What would help is for my mum to be ok...but she probably never will be. So it will never stop. Talking isn't going to help that. I hate living a life with no light at the end.
Can't take antidepressant either...mum has bipolar, goes manic and psychotic while on them, that's what triggered her having her first episode ever. Her having it make my chance more likely of getting it.
So I can't take them. I don't want to do to anyone what her having bipolar has done to me an my sister.
So I take st John's wort and something that is actually called a chill pill. Natural things...does help a little. I can feel that it is helping, because this time last week was so depressed IN A GOOD PERIOD. So depressed I imagine doing stuff to myself...When I want to live,. I want a life...