I can barely think, but I feel anxious so I’m going to write.
So tired. Off tomorrow and then one more day. Then off for 3 weeks! yay!
But I find it hard to be happy. I don't like Christmas much now days. I want to...but this time of year isn't great. 4 Years ago on Christmas eve my Pop died suddenly. Things went downhill...really bad after that, with my mum getting sick and everything.
I miss him so much, and I never got to say goodbye...
I hadn't even seen him for a few weeks before he died, I’d had flu type symptoms and was worried abut going near him.
And I’m scared he didn't know how much I love him, because as silly as this sounds older males make me uncomfortable, even him. I found it hard to be alone with him or think of something to say. And I don't know why, because I loved him. I was fine when I was little, but as I got older it got harder, like I didn't know how to be around him anymore. It was ok if my mum or someone was there. And now I feel terrible. Why didn't I try to push through. Why did he have to go so suddenly.
Then mum developed bipolar and I’m sure it was the stress of losing her dad that pushed her over the edge. When he was the only one in her life really other then me and my sister.
So Christmas stresses her out...because Pop died. Because of money. And stress can set her off into an episode. So I am even more terrified then usual at this time of year.
And I try to get into the Christmas spirit but its hard. And I don't want to ruin it for anyone else either, like my fiancé who loves Christmas.
And mum seems really good, which is good! But it doesn't stop the horrible fear that she might not be. I'm too scared to relax, because the few times in the beginning I thought no it's going to be ok. it hasn't. So now I’m scared to believe things will be alright. Because they never seem to be. Just when you think it can't get any worse it does.
Like a few weeks ago. Mum was going through an episode, which was horrible. And then she got this letter wanting compensation.
See 3 years ago before she was diagnosed as bipolar she went psychotic and accidentally hurt his lady.
Then a few weeks ago, years later while she is in an episode as it was she gets the letter saying they want 11,000 compensation. Mum can barely support her self she has NO money. She has to send these forms in to tell them she will pay $10 a week cos that is all she can afford. And really she can't afford that.
I am very grateful that after the initial melt down she has calmed. But she hasn't sent the letters away yet and she only had 28 days so I’m scared about her leaving it too long. But if I mention it too much then she gets mad. And I’m scared they won't except that. But she has like nothing. She's mentally ill and I just want people to leave her alone!
It's like thing after thing after thing and just when you think you've hit rock bottom there is more crap!
So how can I relax or feel really happy or stop worrying...it just never stops and even when it seems like things are ok it's been completely ruined. So now I’m too scared to even try to believe.
I don’t like feeling this negative and horrible. And I hate thinking and writing negative thoughts and putting them out in the universe. Makes me start worrying that just because I’ve thought them it will come true. Which is stupid but its how my mind works. And I’m also scared to be happy because I feel like when ever I actually have let go and thought everything will be ok its gotten even worse. So now I don’t know what to be.
I'm scare because I should be enjoying this 'good' time. But I’m terrified it won’t last.
Oh God please let it last please let things be ok!
How I feel…inside me…I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.
What I want:
For my mums bipolar to be under control
For Christmas to be nice and happy
To be able to relax and feel happy and not have anything come along and ruin it
To not feel so scared and anxious and worried all the time
For the people I love to be happy and safe and healthy
For the lady and compensation people to accept mum can only afford $10 a week and for that to be the end of it
For mum to get the forms in on time
For my Pop to know how much I love him
Miss you Pop.
So tired. Off tomorrow and then one more day. Then off for 3 weeks! yay!
But I find it hard to be happy. I don't like Christmas much now days. I want to...but this time of year isn't great. 4 Years ago on Christmas eve my Pop died suddenly. Things went downhill...really bad after that, with my mum getting sick and everything.
I miss him so much, and I never got to say goodbye...
I hadn't even seen him for a few weeks before he died, I’d had flu type symptoms and was worried abut going near him.
And I’m scared he didn't know how much I love him, because as silly as this sounds older males make me uncomfortable, even him. I found it hard to be alone with him or think of something to say. And I don't know why, because I loved him. I was fine when I was little, but as I got older it got harder, like I didn't know how to be around him anymore. It was ok if my mum or someone was there. And now I feel terrible. Why didn't I try to push through. Why did he have to go so suddenly.
Then mum developed bipolar and I’m sure it was the stress of losing her dad that pushed her over the edge. When he was the only one in her life really other then me and my sister.
So Christmas stresses her out...because Pop died. Because of money. And stress can set her off into an episode. So I am even more terrified then usual at this time of year.
And I try to get into the Christmas spirit but its hard. And I don't want to ruin it for anyone else either, like my fiancé who loves Christmas.
And mum seems really good, which is good! But it doesn't stop the horrible fear that she might not be. I'm too scared to relax, because the few times in the beginning I thought no it's going to be ok. it hasn't. So now I’m scared to believe things will be alright. Because they never seem to be. Just when you think it can't get any worse it does.
Like a few weeks ago. Mum was going through an episode, which was horrible. And then she got this letter wanting compensation.
See 3 years ago before she was diagnosed as bipolar she went psychotic and accidentally hurt his lady.
Then a few weeks ago, years later while she is in an episode as it was she gets the letter saying they want 11,000 compensation. Mum can barely support her self she has NO money. She has to send these forms in to tell them she will pay $10 a week cos that is all she can afford. And really she can't afford that.
I am very grateful that after the initial melt down she has calmed. But she hasn't sent the letters away yet and she only had 28 days so I’m scared about her leaving it too long. But if I mention it too much then she gets mad. And I’m scared they won't except that. But she has like nothing. She's mentally ill and I just want people to leave her alone!
It's like thing after thing after thing and just when you think you've hit rock bottom there is more crap!
So how can I relax or feel really happy or stop worrying...it just never stops and even when it seems like things are ok it's been completely ruined. So now I’m too scared to even try to believe.
I don’t like feeling this negative and horrible. And I hate thinking and writing negative thoughts and putting them out in the universe. Makes me start worrying that just because I’ve thought them it will come true. Which is stupid but its how my mind works. And I’m also scared to be happy because I feel like when ever I actually have let go and thought everything will be ok its gotten even worse. So now I don’t know what to be.
I'm scare because I should be enjoying this 'good' time. But I’m terrified it won’t last.
Oh God please let it last please let things be ok!
How I feel…inside me…I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.
What I want:
For my mums bipolar to be under control
For Christmas to be nice and happy
To be able to relax and feel happy and not have anything come along and ruin it
To not feel so scared and anxious and worried all the time
For the people I love to be happy and safe and healthy
For the lady and compensation people to accept mum can only afford $10 a week and for that to be the end of it
For mum to get the forms in on time
For my Pop to know how much I love him
Miss you Pop.
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