Doctors went well again. Im going for bloodtests too. Trying not to keep worrying and obsessing about my mums bipolar...


Now mum seems a little cranky. Although that is her or used to be her "normal" deposition. But still that’s worrying me. Everything worries me. I was scared when she seemed too good, and now I want that back. Its just that everything makes me think OMG not again. I want to live my life. I’m going away next weekend and I want to be able to just go and be happy. Relax and have fun for once. Not be worrying about mum. I’m scared of the thought of her having an episode and I wont be able to go. I know that selfish. But me and my fiancé need this. I mean its not as if she can't get to the doctor on her own. She was cranky today because of lines at the post office and bank and because no one listen's to her at work and she doesn't like the way she's treated (which is valid with some stuff that has happened).



If she wasn't bp, things like that wouldn’t worry me but because she is, I never know what is just "normal" (as in lots of people would be cranky about that stuff and what is something more.)
She didn't go into mania at all last year when she was on a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. Then they took her off the antipsychotic. She was of it for a fair while before she went into mania again (I think stress from work did it) She is now back on it again, though they had to lower the dosage of mood stabiliser because she shakes badly when the mood stabiliser is too high.
So I’m praying that because she is on the antipsychotic again that it will keep her level/stable like last year. I mean she got depressed and cranky and stuff last year, but didn’t have what I call an "episode". Which was good, there were difficult times, but I could live that way. I cant live never knowing when she could go off again, always in fear of it. It stops me from having a life because I have to drop everything.
I just never know wether I’m paranoid or not. She seems clear and everything at the moment. Just in a little of a bad mood which is normal right? Everyone does that. I just wish now I wasn't panicking when she was "too good" it was just that I wasn't use to that...








I'm just scared that because I was worrying so much when mum seemed happy that my negative feeling caused her to go back to cranky. It sounds silly but I always start thinking that me being upset or negative when I’m down is sending out negative energy into the world and that’s what I’m going to get back. That bad things will happen. I do my best to try to think positive but once something has me really upset, worried or anxious I can't stop. And its too hard trying to act like I’m happy and ok when I’m not. I want to be able to cry if I want and feel my feeling and not worry that I’m releasing negative energy and a going to cause even more bad stuff to happen....



I’m losing my mind. Well it probably sounds that way. Its just some of the stuff that goes through my head.
You know I actually woke up feeling kinda ok today...it didn't last long.