I know all my journal entries are downers. But I can't help it. I'm depressed. My mum has bipolar. Im a nervous wreck all the time, wether things are going "well" or not...
I told my mum how Ive been feeling and she made me feel worse pretty much, if thats possible. I can't live like this. My fiance is the only reason Im still here. I love my mum. I love my sister. I think that is my problem I love too much. If it weren't for J I would be gone. I'd just pack up and leave. Leave everything. Although I'd feel so guilty and horible. But I feel like that any way. All I want out of life is happiness. The only way I feel happy is if the people I love and need are safe, happy and healthy. Thats what I need. What I want.
I think about ended it all but I can't do that to J. Becaue I love him, he loves me and he is so good to me. better then I deserve. Does his best to understand and help with my depression.
Got to go to work tomorow. I hate my job. I hate working in general. It's stressful and too hard when im so depressed. People are always at me. And Im already doing my best! They should try doing the job when they feel the way I do inside. I think I do pretty good considering...
How did life get like this. Is it my fault? I hate the person I am now. What did we ever do. I can't fix my mums illness all I can do is pray that she doesn'have another episode. But Im so scared all the time. Im scared to relax and be happy incase she gets sick again. Why can't she just be ok! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!!! It's destroying every part of my life.
I don't want to do this anymore!