So today I was in a weird mood, laughing one second and cranky the next. Which isn’t that unusual for me. But as I was laughing and joking and smiling today it hit me. Deep down I still had the horrible aching, worrying fear that haunts me every moment. So really there are times when I can push it down and act happy but I never really am. I haven’t felt really properly, carefree happy in years, around 15-16 is the last I remember it and things have only gotten worse. I’m now 23. And at this moment in time things in life are good, but I’m always terrified that any second they will fall apart. I’m praying, wishing hoping that its all gonna be ok from now on. But so many times I thought that was true and BANG it wasn't. So now I can't crawl out of this hole. Sometimes I can fake it, but that’s it. I’m a nervous wreck but I can’t let go. It’s like I’m trying to protect myself, its like I believe subconsciously that if I relax then things are more likely to go wrong. I’m even sacred by thinking this way or writing this that I’m going to make things go wrong. Gah! This is too hard!
I’m still praying this is the rainbow. I know I should be enjoying this time but I cant, I’m too scared.
I’m not even going to mention how much food I’ve binged on today...heaps.
There is so much house work I should have done and as usual I’ve done none...
I’m broken and I don't know what to do.
Except pray that this is the rainbow...please God, please anyone let this be the rainbow.
Please!